Jesus searched and searched through the mess that had once been his Las Vegas penthouse, but he couldn’t find his Jesus Robe. "How can I go out without my Jesus Robe?" he asked. "It’s all I’ve ever worn." But he couldn’t find it, so he was forced to go out in a beaver costume.
He had plans to kidnap a cheerleader for breading purposes, so he wanted to sneak around and get a feel for the layout. The local high school had coincidentally, just changed its mascot from the incredibly racist, Swede Beaters, to the proud and tolerant Beaver Beaters.
Luckily, Jesus’ beaver costume was a girl-beaver costume, so nobody questioned him as he casually walked into the girl’s locker room. There were several cheerleaders there changing into their uniforms for the big pep rally, but only one caught Jesus’ eye. She had red hair, and freckles, wide shoulders and child-bearing hips and she couldn’t have been more than fifteen. Jesus would need to be cunning in order to get away with her.
He sat on a doorknob and stared at her, thinking about stuff, when all of a sudden, she noticed him and her eyes lit up. Jesus felt a weird tension in his stomach, and his heart seemed to be beating off in his chest. The cheerleader jumped excitedly and yelled, "Look everyone, a beaver to beat!"
They all ran at him and beat him down like cheerleaders beating their beavers. But the padding of the costume protected Jesus from their weak, feminine blows. In fact, it felt rather like a massage.
Once the massage was over, Jesus grabbed Red by her pigtails and slammed her face into a locker. Then he picked up her unconscious body and ran off. But campus police were in hot pursuit; he’d need wheels.
After running a few blocks, Jesus found a guy who agreed to trade him his car for the girl. Jesus was well on his way to the movies before he remembered why he even needed the car in the first place. So he slammed on the brakes and backed up into a cowboy, which is pretty weird, I mean, what’s a cowboy doing just walking around? Where’s his horse anyway?
Right, so meanwhile, the guy who traded with Jesus had been arrested for kidnapping. So Jesus found the poor, young, distraught girl and offered her a friendly (sexy) shoulder (dick) to cry (sit) on.
I can only think of two redheads with pigtails; Pippi Longstocking and Wendy (of the square burger chain). tk
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was either of them. Pipi Longstocking wouldn't have been that easy to kidnap, and Wendy probably had all kinds of bodyguards around her at all times. Dave Thomas was a paranoid man.
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