INTO THE WOODS

Jesus was hiding from the IRS in a hippie commune in Northern California. The leader of the commune was called Cornflower, and he did not like Jesus.  You see, a commune only functions when everyone contributes, and Jesus just treated all the hippies as his slaves.  Except Cornflower, he hated Cornflower right back, and tired to lead the other, less-leaderly, hippies in a coup d'etat to overthrow the hippie tyrant.

Most of the hippies loved Cornflower, because had a positive aura, and because he got the best weed. But Jesus had one key ally, Cornflower's teenaged son, Moon Whistle. Moon Whistle was tired of his father always dancing around naked and scaring off his friends and having sexual intercourse with his pets. Jesus sensed hesitation in the boy so he gifted Moon Whistle with a couple of magic powers to help keep the hippie slaves in line. He gave him the ability to fly, x-ray vision and super sperm.

Moon Whistle tried out his new x-ray vision on Pussywillow, the cute girl who grew the commune's sunflowers. He saw that she was terribly constipated, and recommended that she eat more fiber. Pussywillow, not knowing about the x-ray vision, thought that Moon Whistle must be spying on her, and knew about her intense hatred of fiber. She decided it was time to call her dad, Paul Webber! the IRS super agent assigned to bring Jesus to tax-related justice. Paul, not knowing about Jesus, took a three hour trip through the commune infested woods to bring his daughter home.

So, Pussywillow went home to Georgetown, and Moon Whistle slipped into a deep depression. While Cornflower consoled his son, Jesus crept up behind him and hit him with a shovel. Jesus took over and turned the commune into a successful sunflower conglomerate. But he failed to pay the corporate taxes and was forced to go back on the run.

Today, Jesus survives as a soldier of fortune. If you've got a problem, if no one else can help, maybe you can hire... Jesus! Duh duh duh duh dah dah dah dah.

JESUS LOSES HIS MEMORY

             Jesus went down to Georgia with a banjo and a hobo pack. The local sheriff mistook him for a hippie and beat him with his club. And that's how Jesus got amnesia.

            He woke up in a pile of trash and started looking through his pockets for clues and bugs. He found an address for a town near Atlanta and headed off to the afore mentioned town near Atlanta.

 The address turned out to be a whore house called Big Eddie's House o' Whores. Eddie knew Jesus by the name Big Willy. He got that name in a poker game where he whipped out his measly cock and tried to use to cover a bet with Eddie. But Eddie was no fool. He insisted that Jesus throw in his balls and his prostate. Luckily, Jesus won the bet.

 Jesus asked Big Eddie, "Who am I?" "You're the fucker who took all my money!" This sudden aggression made Jesus tremble with fear and his magical voodoo powers began firing off all crazy and taking people out, left and right. Well not people actually, hookers. Big Eddie had never seen Jesus this upset, it scared him, a lot- I mean on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being scared a lot and 1 being not very scared at all, Big Eddie was a 10.

So he calmed Jesus down by tossing some plates at his head, eventually knocking Jesus unconscious. Then he took a shit and wrote a message on it in white out and slid it into Jesus' anus so that he would read it when he pooped it out later. The message said, "Eat at Phil's Diner," Jesus did, it was delicious. But he still had the problem of not knowing who he was.

So he hired a private detective. Big mistake. Dickface P.I. screwed Jesus over for $3000 and told Jesus to go to a psychic. He didn't know who he was, but he knew those fuckers were full of shit. After 10 years of frustration over his lost identity, the J man finally killed himself. Once in Heaven, Jesus remembered everything and went out for a beer.