JESUS THE CLOWN II

Jesus offended people, by both the way he acted and the way he smelled.  He would dress up like a clown and go to birthday parties and arm wrestle kids for money.  One time he made the mistake of arm wrestling drunk.  He lost to some little girl, so he had to kill her and her parents and all her little friends so no one would be able to spread word of his shameful loss to a four-year-old girl.

But one little boy got away by hiding in the one place Jesus would never look, the freezer. (Jesus hated cold food.)  So this kid ran as soon as he got the chance.  He ran for several yards until he was caught by one of Jesus’ giant mousetraps.  He stayed there all pinned and broken until the cops got there.  Then he told everyone that Jesus was the culprit.  Then the cops, who were all Irish-Catholic, beat the kid’s face in for blaspheming.

So Jesus figured he was in the clear and started doing the robot right there in the street, while the cops all clapped and cheered.  But then out of nowhere, another witness appeared. It was Jon Lovitz doing his pathological liar character. Everyone had a good laugh and then they barbecued some food, and Jesus turned some sewer water into tea by adding some tea bags. 

Everyone went home happy except for Jesus, who locked himself out of his apartment.  So his options now were either:  ninja jump through the window, or use the spare key under the mat.  The choice was obvious.  Once inside, he put a frozen pizza in the oven and called the window repairman.

CLASH OF THE TITANS

Jesus was reading the diary that belonged to the thirteen-year-old girl who was tied up in the trunk of his car. "That Becky sounds like a real bitch!" Jesus said loudly.

"Let me go," whimpered the girl in the trunk.

Just then, one of Jesus' sixty-three arch enemies, Superman, flew in to rescue the girl. "Up to your old tricks again I see, Lord Jesus," he said.

"They're called the classics for a reason, Kent, But I also have some new tricks up my butt." Jesus popped the trunk to reveal a midget with a light-saber (with a kryptonite power crystal). The midget tossed the light-saber to Jesus, who leaped twenty feet into the air to swipe at Superman, while the midget hurled fire-bolts from his mind.

Superman was taken completely by surprise, but neither Jesus nor the midget saw the cops pulling up behind them. Jesus had been parked in a ten minute parking zone for almost twelve minutes. Naturally, the cops took Superman's side. They opened fire and shot Jesus in the left leg, but missed the ducking midget by  a few feet. Jesus' light-saber swipe went wild, and instead of cutting Superman in half, just cut off his left arm at the elbow. Jesus and Superman both fell to the ground writhing in pain. The midget, who was apparently too short to get shot by Metropolis P.D., just ran up and punched both cops in the sack.

Superman used his laser eyes thing to cauterize his wound. Jesus crawled quickly to Superman's arm, which he plunged up into the crotch area of his robes. "NOOOOO!!!" Superman cried in homophobic disgust.  Superman then punched Jesus in the head so hard that Jesus died.

Jesus woke up in Heaven as Superman returned to his fortress of solitude. They both considered it a victory. Most of their battles ended that way.