THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

Jesus wanted to rob a train, like in an old western movie, where somebody robs a train. He knew a guy at Cash 4 Gold who told him that a shipment of melted down gold was being moved by train through New Mexico in four days. He would need a gun, a back-up gun, a bandanna, some rope, a knife and the pony he'd been asking for for Christmas/his birthday since he was eight month old.

Jesus used his beard to fly to Texas, where he'd have to steal or borrow a horse, depending on his mood. When he got to Texas, he was disappointed to learn that nobody rode horses anymore except jockeys, and he was too big to be a jockey. So he decided to steal a motorcycle, the horse of the future. He found out about a Dallas based motorcycle club called, "The Jesus Lovers." They were a Christian organization of some kind or another, and Jesus figured he'd fit right in like a metaphor. He asked around and found out the Lover frequented a local church. He crept in one night while they were doing something else  I guess, and stole the Prez's bike. He left a note promising to return it along with a bar of gold.

As Jesus rode to New Mexico, Jesus wondered if it might have been easier to just get a bike in New Mexico, but you know what they say about hind sight, that it's really fucking annoying. He got to New Mexico just two hours before the train and waited. While waiting, he practiced his train robbing voice, but just couldn't get it right. He lost a lot of confidence, but in the end he got all the gold safely back to Heaven. He returned the motorcycle as promised, and only killed sixteen kittens.

JESUS AND THE FRENCH TREASURE

Jesus sat in his swivel-chair, deep in his underground lair, watching his favorite porno while he studied his treasure map, given to him by the king of France in 1612.  That was a dreary time, when everyone had the plague… or was that some other time?  Jesus had a hard time remembering since the accident. Three years ago, Jesus had been hit in the head by a flying airplane and ever since he had to grow a bigger beard so that he wouldn't lose his car keys or anal lube. 

Just at that minute, he remembered something else he’d hidden in his beard.  He reached in and pulled out a magnifying glass.  He ran to the TV set to get a closer look at a nipple.  Then he was off to the San Fernando Valley to find his long lost sister whom he’d identified by her trademark triangular nipple.

He rode into a gas station on a goat, grabbed the hose and filled the goat’s ass tank.  “Forty-one dollars?  It’s a goddamn goat!” he said.  He ran to find the manager so he could vent his outrage, but she turned out to be a hot chick, peeing.  So all Jesus could do was stare and hold the bathroom door open so everyone could see.  Then he asked her if she knew his sister.

As luck would have it, she was his sister’s roommate/co-star, so Jesus offered to help her rehearse.  She politely declined.  Jesus snapped his fingers and said, “Damn it!” Then they were on their way to see Jesus’ sister.

But on the way they were attacked by an ancient order of French knights, come for their map.  Jesus grabbed that Arco chick and threw her high up in the air and ran.  While she was up in the air he turned her into a German and the French quickly surrendered.

Then Jesus, the Arco chick and the sister found the treasure and had a three-way on top of a pile of gold.  INCEST ROCKS!