SNUGGLING WITH JESUS

Jesus was whipping up a batch of cats to attack his neighbor, Joe, who was deathly allergic to cats.  Joe was basically a good guy, but Jesus never liked him. Recently, Joe had gone too far when he’d bought a more expensive car than Jesus. 

So Jesus sent his attack cats to snuggle Joe to death.  As Jesus watched the cats bounce playfully to their victim, he realized that he was jealous of them.  He wanted to snuggle Joe to death.  So he got out his crossbow and quickly killed or maimed all of his playful kittens.  Then he morphed into a giant but cuddly cat and headed to Joe’s. 

When he got there the door was closed, and Jesus was lost without his opposable thumbs.  He’d need a plan to get in.  He decided to make Joe a cat door and install it right away.  It took a few minutes to make a hole for the door.  Then he gave up on making the door and just went in through the hole.

Joe was sleeping upstairs, but Jesus had a few things he wanted to do around Joe’s house, like use the bathroom and rummage through the medicine cabinet.  So Jesus snooped about for a bit, then he accidentally knocked over Joe’s bust of Woody Allen and it smashed on the floor, waking Joe from his slumber.

Joe ran downstairs and was horrified to find a giant cat sweeping up in the hallway.  Joe turned and ran back upstairs and Jesus gave chase.  Joe ran into the bathroom and hid in the tub, crying, shaking and mumbling.  Jesus kicked the door open and saw this pitiful sight.  His heart was changed and he wanted to cheer Joe up.  So, forgetting that Joe was deathly allergic to him, he jumped into his lap and licked him into a deep coma, and he never woke up.

So Jesus robbed Joe, assumed his identity and flew to the Caribbean.

PLANTS VS JESUS

Jesus had recently been suffering from intense sneezing fits. The kind where you sneeze so hard your muscles get sore and you can't control your anus, which is also sore from sneezing. He concluded that he must be allergic to something, probably some sort of plant.

He decided to clear out all the plants within a ten mile radius of his house. So he went to his local military surplus store in search of a flame thrower. They didn't have one. They didn't even have the parts to make one in a rush. They did have some kick-ass helmets and medals. Jesus stole some and ran to Walmart to get the parts he'd need for his flame thrower.

Once in Walmart, he got distracted in the electronics section. "A thirty-two inch TV for $99!" He said. "How do they do it?" Ten minutes later he was walking home with a TV under each arm when another sneezing fit caused him to drop his new TVs and reminded him of what he'd been doing.

He cursed Walmart forever and ran to the nearest gas station. He bought a bag of water balloons and filled them with gasoline. He hurled them each into unsuspecting trees and set them alight. "This is taking too long!" he screamed to the heavens. He grabbed his robes with both hands and tore them asunder. He transformed his wang into a flame thrower and started ejaculating fire in every direction.

Of course, this sort of thing had been a regular occurrence in town since Jesus moved in, so the town's Sheriff and Fire Chief were ready with the only thing known to man with the power to stop Jesus, a large pizza with extra pepperoni from Tony's Pizza. When he smelled the pizza, Jesus stopped fire-cumming and sat down to eat.

Jesus poured some crushed red peppers on his pizza and sneezed. "Is this what's been making me sneeze?" he asked. He threw the peppers in the trash and resumed eating. Problem solved.