MR. JESUS GOES TO WASHINGTON

Jesus was sick of girls turning down his indecent proposals, so he decided to run for Congress. His local Congressman, Pedro Salazar, was too Mexican for Jesus anyway so he turned him into a Frenchman named Pierre Sevousplaisez, but that was too French, so Jesus killed him… violently, with a cinderblock.

So Jesus started his campaign. His big platform issue was, "Pants, who needs them?" Jesus had tried hard for centuries to get everyone to ditch their pants and follow his tan-dress wardrobe ideas. He had a highly publicized business failure a while back; nobody wanted to wear Jesus’ dress. So he was going to make it a law that everyone had to wear dresses, and chicks had to wear really short dresses, and no panties.

He won by a landslide, but only because he was running unopposed. So Jesus set about interviewing interns at a D.C. kindergarten. "The trick is to get ‘em young," Jesus explained to the teacher, "that way you can train ‘em not to call the cops when you do illegal shit." The teacher just stared at Jesus with a horrified expression on her face, so Jesus picked up a chair and beat her until she was unconscious. Then he grabbed two little girls up under his arms and smashed through the window to freedom.

Jesus’ limo driver, Theo, had slashed all the tires in the parking lot so no one could follow. Once they were safe in Jesus’ high security compound, Jesus kissed Theo on the cheek then punched him in the kidney. This was Jesus’ way of saying, "Good job Theo, but you’re fired anyway!" Theo didn’t get it, so Jesus spelled it out in a little note and shoved it up Theo’s nose.

Then he took the two girls up stairs and prepared the cages they would call home. Just then, Theo came up the stairs with a samurai sword. "The girls are rightfully mine!" Theo shouted.

"What? By what logic?" Jesus asked, incredulously.

"Alright, we’ll split ‘em 50/50, length-wise."

"I don’t negotiate with boners!"

"Boners?!" Theo yelled as he lunged at Jesus. Jesus busted out his nunchucks and they battled for just long enough for the girls to get away and call the cops.

Jesus and Theo spent a few years in prison together and became good friends again, until Jesus stole Theo’s Jello….

JESUS IN THE BORDELLO GALAXY

While on a fact-finding mission in Uruguay, Jesus was asked by some philosophical Uruguayan, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Jesus sliced him in half, length wise, with a karate chop, but for some reason the question nagged at him.

So he went to a little farm and slaughtered the whole family and asked all the chickens in a big meeting. They told him that it was the chicken who came first, born as a baby, with no egg, then got busy with some dinosaur or something and created a hybrid.

"But that first chicken," Jesus said, "would have been a different species, and the modern chicken is the hybrid. So, the first chicken was born from an egg. Ha!" The chickens all burst into flame at the sheer power of Jesus’ logic.

So Jesus had a lovely dinner, then took his jetpack to the planet Bordello V. There he was greeted by a robot with a boner. The whole planet was inhabited by robots, and every robot had a boner, and every boner had a spigot which poured out sweet, delicious milk.

Wait, there were chick robots who didn’t have boners, but they were just there to make sandwiches and stuff. So Jesus wandered into a sandwich shop, but he was full from all that chicken. So he decided that this planet was poorly named and went off in search of Bordello I.

But Bordello I was inhabited by boners, and each boner had a robot that made sweet delicious milk. Here too, the women were only good for sandwich making. So Jesus destroyed the entire Bordello galaxy and went back to Earth to get a hooker.