REMEMBER THE ALAMO? WELL, THIS HAPPENED BEFORE THAT

Jesus was three weeks into an expedition from Boston to Louisiana Territory, wherein he robbed settler and traders and blamed it on local Indian tribes. The settlers and traders kept coming, but the Indians caught on quickly, so Jesus had to keep moving.

Jesus went to Texas, where he ran into William Travis, who was also busy robbing settler and traders and blaming Mexicans. "Bill Travis, you son of a bitch," Jesus laughed, "how the hell are you?"

But Travis was less pleased to see Jesus. "Unless you have the horse, boots, wife and kids you stole from me, I don't want to talk to you." Bill warned. It just so happened, that Jesus stole those very same things from another guy yesterday. A much richer guy. Bill agreed to accept these and renew their friendship and partnership.

Bill was on his way to Mexico to call Santa Anna  a girl, but he needed some supplies for the trip. So they headed to Austin or someplace near where Austin would eventually be founded. Once there, Bill went to the general store, and Jesus headed for the saloon. They tied up Bill's new wife and kids outside with the horses.

Bill bought his supplies and headed over to the saloon to meet Jesus. While crossing the street, Bill noticed how quiet and calm it was. Not a person or horse in sight (except Bills). It was a set up, and Bill knew it. Bill reached for his gun, but a warning show at his feet convinced him otherwise. He dived into an alley just in time to avoid the second shot taking his head off.

Bill crawled under the porch of the store and pulled his gun out. He saw three pair of feet, one in sandals, one in boots and in rhinestone covered boots. "Where's your partner?" asked a familiar, British voice. It was Jesus and Travis' old enemies, Davy Crockett and David Bowie, and they had Jesus tied and gagged.

Jesus told them repeatedly that Bill was at the store, but they didn't find him there, so they beat Jesus real bad. Luckily for Bill, he sneaked off, while Jesus was getting beat,with his horse, family and supplies and got to Mexico to call Santa Anna a girl. Jesus swore revenge, but since Bill was already in Mexico, Jesus called it a wash.

FLIP OR FLOP

Jesus had bought one hundred houses in Detroit for $5.00 a piece, and now he was neck deep in one hundred remodels. His plan was to sell all the houses for a profit of several hundred dollars, but he was beginning to think that he'd need some help.

He had a clear vision of a swingin' montage of a bunch of gay dudes designing and swatching, and a bunch of burly guys hammering and nailing and it all coming together. 'The problem was that Detroit's gay population was terrible at being gay... I mean doing gay things... like picking out color combinations, and lighting schemes and greasing up a man's butthole before blowing him,' Jesus thought to himself. The other problem was that Detroit's burly-man population was terrible at not stealing all of Jesus' tools and stuff. And importing gays and burlys from Boston would eat up all of Jesus' profit.

There was only one solution, he'd have to make the people of Detroit less awful. He decided to grant each resident one Christmas wish. He had to go through a temp agency from Heaven to make sure he had the proper man power. The six-hour phone call to the temp agency was an ordeal, but only because it was boring. Jesus powered through that and started granting wishes.

One gay wished for a blowjob, and another wished to suck a dick... two birds, one stone. One Burly guy wished for a new car stereo, then remembered he didn't have a car. Dork. Then, one guy wished for Detroit's economy to be great again. When Jesus granted that wish, his shitty houses shot up in value and the remodels were no longer necessary. Jesus got rich and the good people of Detroit lived happily ever after.