GORBOOBCHEV

Jesus was at the doctor's office pretending to be a male nurse. He paid special attention to the female patients. He would ask them to disrobe, and when they asked for privacy, he would say, "It's okay, I'm a nurse."

Jesus was looking for a particularly ugly birthmark, like the one on Mikhail Gorbachev's head, but on a boob... Gorboobchev, i guess. The girl who bore the boobmark was wanted by Satan for questioning regarding her involvement in the Lance Armstrong doping scandal. Satan wanted to congratulate her on a successful frame-up, and invite her to join his softball team! He talked Jesus in to joining the search by offering him free tickets to the movies and a spot in the out-field on his softball team if he found her.

It took all day, but she finally came in for a free boob exam. Jesus explained the whole situation while the doctor went to town on her titties. She was in.

The first game was against the Oakfield High School girls team. It was a Saturday in September, and the weather was hot. Jesus was the last to show up. Satan's team was first up at bat. Jesus watched the Oakfield pitcher warming up. she was the fastest underhanded pitcher in Hell, but that Gorboobchev chick had already proven her experience in ball-handling, so Jesus and Satan were pretty sure this would be easy. And it was, by the time the young girls got back on the bus to Oakfield, they were bruised and battered, and their spirits crushed. Plus, two or three of them had been traumatized by Jesus in the locker room.

Satan's team went on to become state champions. Satan threw a big pizza party to celebrate, but he went cheap, so everyone only got one slice.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

Jesus was learning karate from Ralph Machio, when Jackie Chan and Lance Armstrong burst in and challenged them to a hotdog-eating contest.  Jesus roared with laughter and said, “I can fit more wieners in my mouth than you guys can fit in your vaginas!”

Jackie Chan beat Jesus and Machio down with a couple of hotdogs, and Lance Armstrong ran home crying because he suddenly came to the sad realization that nobody of consequence cared about competitive cycling.  Then, Jesus zapped Chan with his disintegrater ray.  Then, after brief consideration, he zapped Machio. 

Then, Jesus asked himself, “What do I want to do now?”  So he thought about it quietly for awhile, then he jumped up and snapped his fingers and became invisible and went to watch some hot chicks in the shower and stuff.  Then he became visible and yelled, “BOO!” and the girls ran screaming from the shower. 

Little did Jesus know that one of these women would be his future wife.  But he wouldn’t have cared if he’d known, because he’d been married many times and didn’t really think of marriage as sacred or hetero or even a good idea.

So anyway, Jesus started setting up bear traps and shit so that when the girls ran out of the shower, they’d be trapped.  He decided to move to Iran and sell these women to the CIA.  But their plane crashed on the way and all but Jesus and one fat chick died, so he married her.