JESUS BIG ADVENTURE

Jesus was walking down some street somewhere and looked into a bike shop and saw the coolest bike he'd ever seen. It was like his greatest dream. It was hot pink with a basket and the words "Hot Tramp" written on the frame in black letters with neon green trim. Jesus had to have the bike for the big bike race coming up... the Tour De France.

Jesus asked his dad to buy him the bike, but his dad refused because Jesus had turned all his dad's money into gay porn while his dad was out with an exceptionally hot chick. Jesus had only one alternative: get a job... at the bike store, then steal the bike while the manager was in the bathroom.

Getting the job was no problem with Jesus' excellent resume, but after two weeks, the manager had yet to take a shit. So Jesus decided to scare the shit out of him. He broke into the bike shop late at night and set up an elaborate system of levers and pulleys all rigged together to lower a mannequin dressed as a ghost and swing it around the manager's head.

Jesus spent hours building his scare rig. He worked until the sun came up. As the first rays of the sun came up over the horizon and danced off the shiny pink bike of Jesus' dreams, Jesus realized that he could just steal it now. So he finished his scare rig, set the dial to "terrify" and rode off on his new bike.

JESUS AND THE GERMAN SAUSAGE

Fire raged all around Jesus.  He gripped his weapon tightly.  Soon, victory would be his.  He was participating in a BBQ cook off.  He had three grills going at once, one with ribs, one with steak and one with crabs that he hunted himself in the dense, sweat forest between the legs of Serena Williams.  Jesus’ only competitor, that he really thought had a chance of beating him (physically), was a German immigrant who made his own sausage out of some kind of mysterious mystery meat.

So anyway, Jesus had devised a plan to murder the German using a smart missile fired from a ship two hundred miles away in the Sea of Japan.  He bamboozled a Navy gunner with talk of fame and fortune, then pushed him overboard.  Then he fired off a few test rounds at some fat chicks in South Korea before taking aim at that German jerk. 

A Colonel pooping nearby ran out of the bathroom with his pants down to see what was going on.  Jesus whipped his nunchucks out of his beard, ready to brawl, but the colonel tripped and fell overboard where some dolphins were waiting for their opportunity to take revenge against him because he always mooned them when they were right in the middle of their mating dance.

So Jesus fired at the German, but much to his dismay, the German caught the missile in mid air and bit it in half.  “Ah, a genetically engineered mutant sausage cook,” Jesus deduced, “I might have known.  We’ll have to settle this like men, with our food cookery.”

So Jesus went back to the competition with full intention of cooking his little heart out and beating the sauerkraut out of that German guy he hated so much, but he was too late.  The German guy had already won, and everyone went home except for Jesus who stayed there eating hot coals because his doctor told him he wasn’t getting enough iron.  “There’s iron in coal right?”