SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON HERE

Jesus was in Hawaii, drunk-surfing and trying to get all the dolphins to help him overthrow the captain of a nearby shrimp boat. The dolphins had a plan of their own, however. The dolphin leader, Julius, was fierce and adorable and planned to one day rule the world. There were just two things standing in his way, feet, or rather lack there of. So Julius agreed to help Jesus if Jesus would help him.

Jesus was skeptical at first, thinking that a world ran by dolphins would probably suck, but after picturing Julius with feet, doing a little dance, he agreed. The shrimp boat captain never knew what hit him (it was a dolphin). So Jesus became the best shrimper in the Pacific, and Julius, with his new feet, began his world conquest on one of Hawaii's smaller islands.

It would be months before the two would meet again. Then 5 AM one Saturday morning, they both reached for the last bear claw at 7-eleven. For a moment, time seemed to stop. Then all hell broke loose. Chunks of flipper and beard and so on were flying about wildly. Just as Julius thrust his bottlenose into Jesus' heart, he felt the sharp sting of Jesus' Kill-ray.

The two met up in Heaven, where Jesus is king. So Jesus banished Julius to Fish Heaven (a huge insult for any water mammal) and spent the rest of the day sitting on his throne glaring, and occasionally pointing at someone and shaking his head disapprovingly.

JESUS AND THE GERMAN SAUSAGE

Fire raged all around Jesus.  He gripped his weapon tightly.  Soon, victory would be his.  He was participating in a BBQ cook off.  He had three grills going at once, one with ribs, one with steak and one with crabs that he hunted himself in the dense, sweat forest between the legs of Serena Williams.  Jesus’ only competitor, that he really thought had a chance of beating him (physically), was a German immigrant who made his own sausage out of some kind of mysterious mystery meat.

So anyway, Jesus had devised a plan to murder the German using a smart missile fired from a ship two hundred miles away in the Sea of Japan.  He bamboozled a Navy gunner with talk of fame and fortune, then pushed him overboard.  Then he fired off a few test rounds at some fat chicks in South Korea before taking aim at that German jerk. 

A Colonel pooping nearby ran out of the bathroom with his pants down to see what was going on.  Jesus whipped his nunchucks out of his beard, ready to brawl, but the colonel tripped and fell overboard where some dolphins were waiting for their opportunity to take revenge against him because he always mooned them when they were right in the middle of their mating dance.

So Jesus fired at the German, but much to his dismay, the German caught the missile in mid air and bit it in half.  “Ah, a genetically engineered mutant sausage cook,” Jesus deduced, “I might have known.  We’ll have to settle this like men, with our food cookery.”

So Jesus went back to the competition with full intention of cooking his little heart out and beating the sauerkraut out of that German guy he hated so much, but he was too late.  The German guy had already won, and everyone went home except for Jesus who stayed there eating hot coals because his doctor told him he wasn’t getting enough iron.  “There’s iron in coal right?”