A BOY AND HIS BRAIN

Jesus was at his local cable access studio, pitching a show about titties. "All we need are close-up shots of boobs bouncing and son on," Jesus explained. His idea was flawless, but the producer or whoever told him that it would never work, and sent him away. The producer then started making the show and taking all the credit for himself.

But Jesus was no fool, he busted out his private-eye robe and followed this producer, Willy I'll call him, around. Jesus developed a particular admiration for how well Willy got results. Willy would approach women calmly and talk to them until they showed their boobs. Whereas Jesus just crept into their rooms while they were sleeping and carefully snipped their P.J.s off with scissors.

Jesus started to wonder why Willy was so much smoother with the ladies. The only thing to do was dissect Willy's brain. Jesus followed Willy home, crept into his room while he was sleeping and carefully snipped off his P.J.s with scissors. Then, Jesus dissected his brain. Willy's brain was full of red stuff, and pink stuff, and blue lines and wrinkles, but contained nothing about women. "What he butt?!" Jesus pondered. Then Jesus decided to dissect his own brain and compare the two.

An hour later, he had his and Willy's brains spread out side by side on Willy's kitchen table. There were several key differences: Jesus' brain was far hairier and danced about more. Then, as Willy's family watched in horror, Jesus' brain raped Willy's brain in its brain-ass. Through this unholy probing, Jesus obtained all of Willy's women-talking-to powers.

Jesus went on to produce the show about titties and several spin-offs. His career is an example to us all.

PLANTS VS JESUS

Jesus had recently been suffering from intense sneezing fits. The kind where you sneeze so hard your muscles get sore and you can't control your anus, which is also sore from sneezing. He concluded that he must be allergic to something, probably some sort of plant.

He decided to clear out all the plants within a ten mile radius of his house. So he went to his local military surplus store in search of a flame thrower. They didn't have one. They didn't even have the parts to make one in a rush. They did have some kick-ass helmets and medals. Jesus stole some and ran to Walmart to get the parts he'd need for his flame thrower.

Once in Walmart, he got distracted in the electronics section. "A thirty-two inch TV for $99!" He said. "How do they do it?" Ten minutes later he was walking home with a TV under each arm when another sneezing fit caused him to drop his new TVs and reminded him of what he'd been doing.

He cursed Walmart forever and ran to the nearest gas station. He bought a bag of water balloons and filled them with gasoline. He hurled them each into unsuspecting trees and set them alight. "This is taking too long!" he screamed to the heavens. He grabbed his robes with both hands and tore them asunder. He transformed his wang into a flame thrower and started ejaculating fire in every direction.

Of course, this sort of thing had been a regular occurrence in town since Jesus moved in, so the town's Sheriff and Fire Chief were ready with the only thing known to man with the power to stop Jesus, a large pizza with extra pepperoni from Tony's Pizza. When he smelled the pizza, Jesus stopped fire-cumming and sat down to eat.

Jesus poured some crushed red peppers on his pizza and sneezed. "Is this what's been making me sneeze?" he asked. He threw the peppers in the trash and resumed eating. Problem solved.

QUEST FOR THE BALD EAGLE

Jesus saw a bald eagle sitting in her nest high above the forest floor in some giant ass tree rising majestically next to a giant ass cliff-side, and knew then and there what his life’s purpose was… to raise some bald eagles from chicks and make them his personal bodyguards and sex slaves.

So he climbed up the tree but had to stop and rest on the way because he sprained his ankle.  Luckily, this happened right next to a dragon’s cave.  The dragon was a kindly old creature who took Jesus in and nursed him back to health.

Jesus and the dragon became the best of friends.  They did everything together; they went to the movies, they did each other’s hair and they had jolly old pillow fights.  Then one day, the dragon decided it was time to let Jesus in on his biggest secret; he didn’t believe in Jesus.

Jesus was stunned, and almost cried and started to slowly fade away until he was invisible.  While he was invisible, he stole the dragon’s TV.  Then he continued on his way to those darned eggs.

A little farther up the tree he found a balloon stuck on a branch with a note on it that said, “if found, please return to Susan at 425 West Eaststreet Avenue in No Name, Colorado.”  So now, Jesus was bound by contractual obligation to return the balloon.

“Those fucking eagles are gonna be extinct before I get my mitts on ‘em!” he cursed.  His only hope, as he flew (coach) to Colorado, was that Susan would be a hot older woman with hot young daughters.

She was, and she was also very happy to see her balloon in one piece.  Jesus took the opportunity to ask her out, but she said, “No!” and told him to beat it out of there before she called the cops.  He made some vague threats about returning later with some eye-clawing eagles, then went back to the forest.

But he was too late, the forest had been leveled to make way for a Wal-Mart.  So he vowed revenge on the company, and has been rolling back their prices ever since.  Unintentionally helping the corporation to make billions while still paying its employees basically nothing.

“Oh well,” said Jesus, “at least somewhere out there, someone is suffering.”  Then he went home, beat off in the kitchen sink and went to bed.