BATHROOM MIRACLE

Jesus was arguing with some kids at school one day. They never believed his crazy stories. "I’m telling you guys, if you keep flushing the toilet again and again and again, eventually, the water turns into wine."

"No way!" bellowed Bobby Billinsky, the baritone bully of Brownberry Elementary. The school Jesus was bothering these kids at was named after Sir Bradford Brownberry of the Bangkok Brownberrys, famous for inventing a revolutionary new system for building bionic babies out of broken bowling balls, and springs.

Anyway, Bobby was all, "No way!"

And Jesus was all, "Yuh huh!"

And the principal was all, "Get out of here, pervert, or I’m calling the cops!" Terrified of going to prison, Bobby ran home, leaving Jesus to bring fear to the school children.

Jesus had never been a bully before, but he had had several "incidents" with local fat people lately. So he started holding kids upside down in the toilet and turning the toilet water into wine. But then he thought, "Why am I wasting all this booze on kids?"

So he threw all the little girls out of the girl’s room and started making all kinds of different wines in the toilets. He had a special way of tasting them all with tampons. He would spend hours dipping them in and sucking on them. Sometimes he would find one that he thought had been dipped in red wine, but it was something else, something magical.

After Jesus had his bomb shelter stocked full of wine, he knew it was time to unleash the nuclear holocaust, but first, he needed so many vaginas to hold him over for a few centuries, you know, until mankind reemerges from the sea. So he set forth, on foot, to retrieve some fresh and pungent vaginas.

Eating some Froot Loops so he could "follow his nose," he sniffed his way to a church and kidnapped several young girls between the ages of twelve and sixteen. His first thought had been nuns, but then he remembered that chicks only become nuns when they’re too ugly to get a man, which just goes to show you that The Sound of Music is complete bullshit.

So Jesus sexed it up with these girls until they were too old (20), then he cloned them and started anew after launching the old (20 year old) into the nuclear wasteland. He did this over and over again until man reemerged and everything was back to normal.

Robot Jesus

Robot Jesus was in for his annual oil change, but this year, Mechanic Jesus, or regular Jesus… you know, Jesus, noticed a problem with Robot Jesus’ armpit modulator. The armpit modulator is the thing that loads rockets into Robot Jesus’ left arm, the rocket arm. “It’s a good thing I decided not to send you after Alan Alda,” Jesus said, “or you’d have blown yourself up, and I’d have forgotten all about you. And I’d have had to kill Alda myself. But now we can even do an upgrade, and really bust up some nuns.”

“Yes, nuns. The nuns shall pay,” replied Robot Jesus.

They spent the next eighteen hours rebuilding Robot Jesus, and laughing, and eating hotdogs covered in relish, sweet relish.

Once Robot Jesus was completed, they were off to Madre Maria Monastery in Puerto Rico on a double mission to slaughter nuns and Alan Alda, who was there recovering from his most recent bout with erectile dysfunction (nuns are good with that sort of thing.)

Anyway, they broke into the nunnery an hour before dawn and crept into every room, tied down all the nuns and set loose millions of bees. Not just regular bees, evil bees, very expensive, very deadly.

So after the nuns died, Robot Jesus crept into Alda’s room and turned on his buzz saw penis extender and proceeded to anally rape Alda while Jesus took pictures for his collection. Then suddenly Jesus said, “Wait a minute, that’s not the guy I wanted to kill. I wanted to kill Tom Selleck!”

“Oh yes, Magnum P.I. I hate that guy.”

So they pushed Alan Alda into a neat little pile on the floor, then flew off to Tom Selleck’s hideout in Malibu, or wherever.

But years of playing an unrealistic, mustachioed P.I. had left Selleck’s wits sharp as a buzz saw penis extender, so he was ready for them. When they arrived, they were greeted by an army of Robot Magnum P.I.s! The battle was epic, but it ended the only way it could, with Chuck Norris Victorious.