TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA JESUS

Jesus had just finished watching the new Ninja Turtles movie, and decided to have his own sewer adventure.  He packed a few bags and ran as fast as he could into the street, bringing traffic to a screeching halt.  Then he opened up a manhole, and dove in headfirst.

He landed with a splash in a river of good ol’ American sewage.  Jesus breathed deep of the aroma.  He searched around until he found a suitable room to live in.  Now, all he had to do was wait for enemy ninjas to attack.

But he got bored six minutes later, and he was out the door and on to more exciting places.  Around his second corner, he came upon a boat floating in three-inch deep water.  A lone fisherman sat in the boat with his line already cast.  As Jesus approached, he realized the fisherman was acting great, Eric Estrada.

“What could you be fishing for in the sewer, you sick-ass freak?” Jesus inquired.

“You!” he shouted back as he pulled up his pole.  Jesus’ foot was caught, and he was lifted off the ground, upside down, you know.  At that moment, seven, provocatively dressed, male dancers danced out and sang back-up for while Eric Estrada sang a little number.

Jesus had but one hope, the power of prayer.  He put his hands together and prayed as hard as he could.  Suddenly, he heard the pitter-patter of bare, two toed feet.  His prayers had been answered, the Ninja Turtles were on their way.

Eric Estrada must have run into them before because he started yelling at his men to form a human shield around him.  They responded with a lightning precision that could only have come from former navy SEALS.

Then, the Ninja Turtles came form a completely different tunnel than Eric Estrada had expected, and totally took his men down in seconds, like everyone knew they would.  Then they cut Jesus down while Eric Estrada escaped... for now.

JESUS AND THE ALLEY OF DEATH

Jesus was sleeping hard after a long day of experimenting on farts, when a terrified scream startled him awake. He looked down into the alley from his window, and saw three dudes beating up a ninja. Jesus' better judgement told him that anybody who could beat up a ninja, even three against one, was best left un-trifled with. But Jesus also knew that if he saved the life of a ninja, the ninja would be in his debt forever, or for two weeks. Maybe it was corporate vice presidents that were in your debt forever, Jesus couldn't remember.

Anyway, Jesus dove through his bedroom window, and pounced on the biggest of the three dudes, tearing his lower mandible from his body. Jesus then threw the mandible boomerang-style into the heads of the other two, killing them instantly.

Jesus approached the ninja to collect his reward, but upon closer inspection, it turned out not to be a ninja at all, but a Muslim woman who was dressed as a ninja from some dumb reason. Jesus had to think quick to figure out how to turn this to his advantage. He thought to himself, 'What would Mohammad do?' Then he remembered that Mohammad hated woman, and Jesus. 'Fuck that guy,' Jesus concluded.

Then Jesus realized that he had just been staring at this beat up woman for a minute, and he probably looked pretty awkward. So he threw some Jesus dust in her eyes and ran off in search of real ninjas.