Jesus was posing as a gentleman in the court of King Louis XIV of France. He had his eye on the Countess Du Sacrebleu, but she was too busy with her annoying little dog, Hacksaw, to notice Jesus. Jesus watched as she pampered this asshole dog all day. He peeked around corners and used a mirror to peek under her door and under her dress. There was never a time when she was without Hacksaw.
Jesus formed a plan wherein he would destroy the real Hacksaw, disguise him as the dog and take his place in the sexy Countess' heart. First, he'd need to distract the Countess. So he went out in the streets disguised as a peasant and started the French Revolution.
While all the nobles were looking out the window, fearing that the peasants would touch them with their dirty hands, Jesus slipped into the Countess' room, naked, and threw Hacksaw out the window. He slowly transformed into a dog. Once every hair was in place, he had to perfect his bark.
After three hours of practice, Jesus was still no good at sounding like a dog. He just sounded like a man, a bozo, a schmoe. He got angry and started yelling and cursing. He carried on for a minute before turning around to see an astonished Countess whats-her-name. "Hacksaw," she said, "you can talk?"
"Yes?" Jesus said.
Just then, peasants burst in and carried the Countess away to the guillotine. Luckily for Jesus, they weren't executing little dogs. One of the peasants brought Jesus home and gave him to his wife. She was dirtier than the Countess, but hey, a warm lap is a warm lap.
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
MASTER HUNTSMAN
Jesus was at a British pub getting all drunk with some Duke or something, Duke Wilburshire. So, Jesus kept saying he was a master huntsman, and the Duke kept saying that he was a master huntsman, but better, and challenged Jesus to a hunt.
Jesus ran out to buy a tweed jacket, knee high boots, an ascot and a pipe, but tweed had become so popular, that all the stores were out. That left Jesus with two options: one, buy a second hand coat, or two, magic. So Jesus did one of those things.
Now that he was dressed like a master huntsman, Jesus decided it was time to learn to hunt. He followed the Duke around during the warm up huntings and watched how he was tracking things and killing them. It looked simple enough, but could Jesus do it faster and or better than the Duke. Jesus realized, that he didn't even know how a huntsman competition was judged. Two weeks ago, at Barnes and Noble, he'd seen Master Huntsman Competitions for Dummies, and now he regretted not buying it.
The competition began, and Jesus magicked himself up a dog and started asking it questions. He learned a bit about hunting in packs, but not about hunting on his own. He and his dog, Bert, were sitting there thinking about how to out smart the Duke. After forty-five minutes of bad ideas, and five minutes of silence, Bert finally said, "I gotta poop." and wandered off.
Just then, the Duke came back with three dead foxes and four dead rabbits. "I win!" he declared when he saw Jesus empty handed. So Jesus picked up his gun and shot the Duke in the knee. he took the Duke's catch and his hat and went back to the pub to boast.
And Bert was never heard from again. Some say he's still in those woods pooping, and on foggy winter mornings, if you're quite, you can still smell it.
Jesus ran out to buy a tweed jacket, knee high boots, an ascot and a pipe, but tweed had become so popular, that all the stores were out. That left Jesus with two options: one, buy a second hand coat, or two, magic. So Jesus did one of those things.
Now that he was dressed like a master huntsman, Jesus decided it was time to learn to hunt. He followed the Duke around during the warm up huntings and watched how he was tracking things and killing them. It looked simple enough, but could Jesus do it faster and or better than the Duke. Jesus realized, that he didn't even know how a huntsman competition was judged. Two weeks ago, at Barnes and Noble, he'd seen Master Huntsman Competitions for Dummies, and now he regretted not buying it.
The competition began, and Jesus magicked himself up a dog and started asking it questions. He learned a bit about hunting in packs, but not about hunting on his own. He and his dog, Bert, were sitting there thinking about how to out smart the Duke. After forty-five minutes of bad ideas, and five minutes of silence, Bert finally said, "I gotta poop." and wandered off.
Just then, the Duke came back with three dead foxes and four dead rabbits. "I win!" he declared when he saw Jesus empty handed. So Jesus picked up his gun and shot the Duke in the knee. he took the Duke's catch and his hat and went back to the pub to boast.
And Bert was never heard from again. Some say he's still in those woods pooping, and on foggy winter mornings, if you're quite, you can still smell it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)