JESUS AND GOD AND SATAN'S BACK STORY

So a long time ago, God went backpacking through another galaxy and brought home an Alpha-Centaurian cold, then sneezed out the Sun and Earth etc. He also gave the cold to his little brother Satan and it ruined Satan's one chance with the girl of his dreams. Satan had to watch while Felicity had sex repeatedly with his and God's older brother Steve. Because his cold was so bad he couldn't get an erection.

Steve was the Ultra-Lord of the entire super cluster, and Satan was intensely jealous. And now, because of God, it seemed Satan's one chance at happiness was gone. The feud began on a small scale; black hole-throwing, toilet paper-hiding, friend-murdering, but it was Satan who first crossed the line when he convinced Eve to eat that apple.

God was so mad, he didn't know what to do at first. Then he had a brilliant idea, he'd bang some virgin, get her pregnant, then murder his own son violently and say to Satan, "Now look what you've made me do!" Satan felt so guilty that he decided to endow the son of God, that Jesus guy that everyone goes on about, with magic powers so that he would rise from the dead.

It took Satan three long days in the laboratory, but he finally got the recipe right. Jesus was so grateful that he promised to always be impartial when it came to Satan and God. God was, needless to say, pretty pissed when Jesus showed up at dinner that night.

God went straight to Satan's house and started smashing shit up until Steve showed up to find out what all the ruckus was. When Steve found out that his little brothers were feuding about some chick that he'd banged eons ago, he tied them together with toilet paper, peed on them then tossed them into a black hole.

JESUS AND THE BULL OF HEAVEN

Jesus was participating in the nude bull fighting championship in Mexico City, Mexico.  He’d done okay so far by using his Jesus powers on the bulls, but now he was up against Berry, the Bull of Heaven, who was way too smart for Jesus.  They went to kindergarten together and Berry beat Jesus in the spelling bee, the make-things-out-of-play-dough contest and even at naptime (Berry always had some hot college chicks nap with him.)

Jesus was so scared that he could barely get an erection, which was a requirement in nude bull fighting.  So Jesus put a mental image of Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days in his head and was instantly hard.  He walked into the arena. There were three or four people in the audience, but Jesus didn’t have time to count. All his attention was drawn by a giant picture of him in a compromising position, which had obviously been hung on the wall by a bull.  The picture showed Jesus being beaten by kids.

Jesus was so mad, that he didn’t even wait for the buzzer to begin. He drew his sword and charged at Berry.  Berry had expected this rash behavior from Jesus and planned accordingly, so Jesus ran straight into the clear plastic wall that Berry had prepared earlier, and the crowd went wild.  Jesus peeled himself off the wall in time to avoid Berry’s next attack, which involved a chainsaw.  He charged at Berry again, this time with his broken erection in both hands.  Berry did a spinning-jump kick and knocked Jesus to the floor, then sat on him until Jesus died of hooker deprivation.