THE CASE OF THE MISSING VAN GOGH

Jesus was outside a restaurant, yelling at a valet for stealing his priceless Van Gogh  original from the backseat. The owner of the restaurant came out to see what was the matter, and Jesus demanded compensation. He gave the owner two options: either pay Jesus $25 million, or let Jesus watch as the valet and the owner raped a homeless man.

The owner made a call to his bank before making any hasty decisions, but his funds were significantly lower than Jesus demands. Then he tried to negotiate, "Can't it at least be a homeless chick?"

"Where's the fun in that!?" Asked Jesus. Then he saw that the owner was serious. Jesus agreed to compromise by letting them rape a non-homeless man while he video taped them.

They all headed over to the senior center because the owner thought an older man might be easier to control. "Just make sure he's not a World War II vet or something," the valet said, "I'm not rapin' no war hero!" They looked around and found a man who looked like Woody Allen, only with Barney Fife's body. They lured him into the bathroom with some sick-ass black licorice.

The old man didn't go down without a fight, they beat him and raped him pretty good, and he was pretty sore, but he forgave them after they gave him the licorice.

Jesus went home feeling pretty good about himself. He pulled into his garage and saw something out of the corner of his eye. Turns out the Van Gogh was under the seat the whole time. "I guess I owe those guys an apology," Jesus said. Then he went inside to upload the video to the internet.

A TALE OF TWO DRUNKS

Jesus had just finished a tall glass of whiskey in Kittie’s Brothel in the old west, when Jimmy, his faithful companion, ran down the stairs screaming, “Oink Oink!”  Jimmy was a pig, who Jesus had given the ability to walk upright and wear clothes, but not to speak.  Luckily, Jesus was fluent in pig, having spent much of his youth in pigpens.  Anyhoo, Jesus was able to translate ‘oink oink’ into ‘She’s a man!’ 

 “What kind of a whorehouse is this? This is an outrage!” Jesus screamed at the top of his shrill effeminate voice.

 Kittie, the tall muscular owner of the bar, ran across the room.  “I’m sorry, but this is a transsexual pleasure house.  We have signs everywhere.” 

“Well I demand satisfaction!” Jesus proclaimed belligerently.

“Oh, you will be satisfied.  Take him away boys.”

Eight strapping young gays in women’s clothing tried to grab Jesus.  But Jesus quickly threw Jimmy at them and ran.  He hopped on his horse/time machine, and as soon as they were galloping at 88 miles per hour, they were transported to medieval England.

Lancelot was there to greet them on behalf of the entire round table.  But Jesus didn’t have time for this.  He needed to get fucked, fast, and he knew just the place to get it.  He rode quickly to the castle, where he found Lady Guinevere.  They had been at it for thirty-six hours when Arthur began to wonder where his wife was.  Arthur went to his room and found the door locked.  He heard moaning inside, so he broke the door down in time to see Jesus hop out the window and fly away.

He ran to the window and shook his fist and shouted, “Damn you Jesus!  Damn you to Hell!”

“No!” Jesus replied, as the wind rushed through his hair like crabs through his pubes. 

He landed on his horse and rode off into the sunset, until he hit a wall.  His horse seemed to have crushed his skull and Jesus was thrown over the wall into a swamp.  Without his horse, Jesus knew the only way to get back to his own time was to find his medieval self, and combine their powers. 

After a nice long walk, he found himself passed out or dead or something in a stone shack near the coast.  He began to cry, “Mamma said there’d be days like this.” 

“It’s funny,” said a voice from above, “my mamma said the same thing.”  It was his real medieval self.  The passed out Jesus was just a dead decoy to get rid of beggars.  “I thought you were one of those homeless types looking for a handout.”

“Whatever gave you that idea?” Jesus from the future asked.

“Well you do look pretty blind, as only a blind man would wear that drab robe.  And we all know how useless blind people are.” 

”What are you talking about?! I’ve been wearing this same robe for 2000 years!”

“Oh Yeah,” Medieval Jesus said, looking down at his own drab robe. They shared a good laugh, and then Jesus explained how lame his horse was.

They decided to hang out for a few days before sending future Jesus home.  Then Jesus got sick of himself.  They both pointed their magic rings in the air, and said a little chant.  A time portal opened, and Jesus went back to the future.