JESUS IN LOVE

Jesus was having a round with the guys to celebrate his victory over the Garzak demon, a huge hideous beast with twelve heads and seventeen necks, when in walked the most gorgeous blonde he’d ever seen.  

He walked right up to her and said, “Excuse me Miss, but I couldn’t help but see your fat stomach pour out over your pants.  And I’d just like to ask if I could slide my wiener up and down your fat ol’ gut for a couple of minutes before my bus leaves to go kill more demons.” Needless to say, the woman was flattered.  

Jesus got so into his penile rub down that he missed his bus.  So, he asked Sharron (the fat chick) for a ride.  She agreed, and they were off to adventure.

As she drove down the bumpy dirt road in Mexico, Jesus masturbated to the sight of her jiggly flesh.  And at that moment, life was perfect.

OJ AND THE J-MAN

Jesus was chasing chickens in an open field when he was suddenly abducted by hideous, one-eyed tentacled things.  He was being held in some kind of tractor beam and he had a real bad itch on his left thigh.  All he could do was pray, and whistle.

Finally they brought him aboard their craft.  It was a floating pirate ship, and these weren’t aliens, as Jesus had originally assumed, but demons from hell.  They’d been sent to take over the world, and only Jesus could put an end to this idiocy.  So they had to put him in some kind of holding cell so that he would be powerless to stop them.  They even bragged as they fire bombed Milan, Jesus’ favorite Italian city.  He used to luncheon there with Capriccio, his illegitimate son.  Now he was crying like a fat girl on prom night.

But Jesus found a way to escape his cell using nothing but his sandals and some strands of his hair.  Go on, use your imagination, do it!  Once free, he grabbed two demons and tied them into one long demon, and then he grabbed a bunch more and made a rope to climb down from the ship and escape on foot to call a real hero.

He called OJ Simpson, the actor, who showed black men everywhere that they didn’t have to put up with white women’s bullshit.  Jesus went to pick up OJ at the Nevada Prison where he lived.  OJ knew just what to do, first, hide in some bushes and wait.  They had waited in that bush for a good long while before deciding that the demons had moved on to some other part of the planet.

So Jesus decided to make OJ a deputy angel, and gave him all the super powers that come with the title.  They were flying together over Panama when OJ spotted the pirate ship.  He flew down, flaming sword in hand, and stabbed the demons OJ style.

But then, OJ refused to relinquish his new power.  He came at Jesus and tried to slash him.  So Jesus smacked him upside his fat head, took his sword and stabbed him Jesus style, which is a little more frisky.  Then he flew to a strip club.

NURSERY RHYMES AND TORTURE

Jesus was grinding the bones of an Englishman to make his bread, when suddenly, in walked a butcher and a candlestick-maker demanding to take a bath. And then, Jesus woke up to find one of his arch enemies, Butch, burning him with a lit cigarette. Butch had Jesus tied to a table with a bunch of medieval torture devices surrounding them.

Butch put the cigarette into Jesus' eye, and Jesus laughed. Butch found this very disconcerting. Jesus then disappeared in a puff of cigarette smoke. Butch coughed, and Jesus' disembodied laughter filled the room. Butch ran out of the dungeon, and Jesus followed. Jesus summoned some baby demons and floated about all smokey and watched as Butch had to fight for his soul.

Around the time Butch ripped the head off the last baby demon, Jesus started to get angry. He flew to Butch's house to complain to Butch's mom about how mean he was being. But when he got there, Butch's mom told him that her son had died in a car crash twelve years ago. A shiver ran down Jesus' spine as he backed away slowly.

Suddenly, a cloud of cigarette smoke filled the room. Jesus' eyes twitched a little, and he readied his dehumidifier. Then a butcher and a candlestick-maker walked in and demanded to take a bath. Jesus and Smoke-Butch just looked at each other. "Are you dreaming?" Butch asked.

LITTLE LOST PUP'

Jesus was wandering the streets flipping cars over rooftops looking for his lost puppy.  “Jesus Jr.!” he shouted as he peed on a rich old lady in a mink coat.  It turned out she hadn’t seen his dog though, so he put up flyers advertising a reward, an “eternal” reward, which actually cost Jesus nothing.

So now that Jesus had all this extra cash from not paying any reward, and not owning a dog, he decided to go on a shopping spree.  But that quickly escalated to a nipple-rubbing spree, which once again, cost nothing.  So what to do with all this cash?  He considered giving it to charity, which would be the Christian thing to do, but the thought made him vomit blood all over a rich old pimp in a mink coat.

That’s when it hit him: a little kid.  Jesus punted this punk-ass kid across the schoolyard, then ran home and saw his puppy on TV.  Jesus Jr. was anchoring the local news in a little sports-coat and tie.

The thing that really surprised Jesus was that Jr. was speaking perfect English, with a slight Canadian accent.  “He never told me he was Canadian!” Jesus said furiously.  Jesus now wanted revenge on Jesus Jr. for lying, and he knew just how to get it... anally.

He said a little chant and some demons appeared and wrecked the place, then Jesus got control of them.  He sent them to the puppy’s dressing room and had them rape him for 100 years with a  bucket. Then he had the demons make him a pie... a delicious one!