JESUS GETS AIDS

Jesus got home from a party one afternoon and caught an episode of Oprah and decided he needed to lose some weight. He’d put on a few pounds since the crucifixion and cheese party that he threw every year on the anniversary of the first time he had cheese. Oprah suggested diet and exercise, but Jesus had a much faster idea in mind… laxatives.

For four weeks, Jesus ate nothing but laxatives and cat food and cheese and drank nothing but Mexican water, imported via mole to Heaven. He lost a lot of weight and started to get more and more sickly looking. Then one day, some of his beard started to fall out and he rushed to the hospital.

After an extensive battery of tests, the doctor told Jesus that he had AIDS. The doctor told him that he should rent the movie Philadelphia so he could know what to expect, but Jesus had other ideas.

He went to the West side of Heaven to see his old friend, Eazy E. What most people don’t know about Eazy E is that he didn’t die from AIDS, he died of Pantheritis (being eaten by a panther) but he had his AIDS fully under control. His secret was panther urine, but there are obvious dangers associated with the collection process.

So Jesus got depressed, he felt there was no hope for him. Then he got angry and decided to infect as many people as possible with his AIDS, and he knew just where to start… Oprah.

He figured if he could get Oprah to get infected with AIDS by him, then all her fans would pay dearly for a lick.

Jesus snuck into Oprah’s dressing room and dipped his weenie into her coffee. But Jesus was caught by security before Oprah drank the coffee.

So Oprah watched Jesus die, slowly, from AIDS and laughed and had her highest rated episode ever.

JESUS VS. HOLLYWOOD

Jesus had just gotten fired from his job as a stork delivering babies because he kept losing his cargo and replacing it with cheese.  And it’s not that the people didn’t appreciate the cheese, but when you’re expecting a delicious baby, delicious cheese is no comparison.

So anyway, he was filing for unemployment when he came up with a way to make millions ripping off popular movies using toys instead of actors, and actresses instead of furniture.  His movies caught on, and soon he was rich, rich as queers (those darn queers that lived up the street from him and always tried to hit on him in their Lexus).

 So now Jesus was set, but the Hollywood moguls were furious.  Producing movies was the only thing that got the moguls laid and Jesus was jeopardizing that, so they had to get revenge.  They snuck into Jesus’ apartment and booby-trapped his favorite chair, which he had had made special for him by super-gluing a fat chick to a chair.  So when Jesus came home after a hard day’s work of loitering around and sat in his chair, he discovered that his fat chick upholstery had been replaced with a skinny, hairy dude with a boner.

“YIPES!” Jesus yelled as he jumped out of his chair and ran for his shotgun.  He held the dude there at gun point, and they had a pleasant conversation about Jesus’ window treatment.  Then Jesus made him squeal on the fuckers that put him there.  Jesus turned him loose and ran at full speed towards Hollywood so he could get a hooker, and then maybe another hooker, and if there was time, he’d get revenge on the producers with a knife, or flaming dog poo, or maybe his team of high priced lawyers. 

After a few dozen hookers, Jesus set out to find those dudes he was looking for, but came across a fabulous shoe store.  He stayed there, shoe shopping, for so long that he died of hooker deprivation.  He woke up in Heaven and beat off, then went back to bed.

JESUS AND THE CHEESE SANDWICH

Jesus was flying about in his stolen F-16. His plan was to bomb Mexico City, but just as he got there, he got a bad leg cramp. All those long car trips as a child had taught him nothing. So he landed in Mexico City Airport and limped around while people threw money into an upside down sombrero for him.

Then he was invited to dinner by a local family of fourteen. They had a big fiesta with lots of food and beer. It was so much fun that Jesus began to wonder why he’d ever wanted to bomb these wonderful people. But it had to be done.

So the next morning, he headed to the airport. When he got there, he found that his jet had been stolen by some Mexicans or something. Now he was mad, he made a phone call to the Angel Mafia, the only mafia that ain’t afraid to shake down girl scouts and old people.

Within thirty minutes he had his plane back. But he couldn’t afford the cheese sandwich he wanted for lunch. So he flew his jet into the nearest sandwich shop and said, "Gimme a cheese sandwich or I’ll bomb ya!" Sadly, the shop owner only spoke Korean.

After bombing the sandwich shop, he went to search for his cheese sandwich in the nearby village of Juarez. But the only cheese they had didn’t look enough like cheese according to Jesus. So he threw a couple of grenades into the outhouse just to make a mess. Then he bombed a few other major towns, and even a few goat herders with a herd of about forty goats.

Then he headed to France, cheese capital of the world! France gave Jesus a great cheese sandwich, but he bombed them on general principal.