JESUS VS. THE GIRL SCOUTS

Jesus was hanging around the grocery store trying to convince Girl Scouts to let him guide them into womanhood... with his wiener. The problem was, the Girl Scout’s den mother, or whatever she’s called, wouldn't let Jesus get near the girls because he looked and smelled like a rapist. So Jesus hired some high school football team to block for him as he rushed in and intercepted what he called, “the stuff.”

The team lined up in front of Jesus as he set his timer (he always kept a log of these things.) That mother chick was no dope though, she was a martial arts expert and could probably have handled a professional football team, so these high schoolers were no problem.

But Jesus had an ace in the hole, a hologram projector. While this karate chick thought Jesus was in front of her, he was actually behind her coercing Girl Scouts into his van. They were no dopes, as well, it turned out, and were scattering all through out the parking lot.

Jesus decided to grab up as many boxes of cookies as he could and cut his losses. Girl Scout cookies are worth about a quarter of what Girl Scouts are in heaven, but they’d have to do today. Besides, that’s enough to buy a fancy kielbasa dinner, thought Jesus as he tossed all those cookies into the back of his van, then sped off to heaven.

JESUS AND THE CHEESE SANDWICH

Jesus was flying about in his stolen F-16. His plan was to bomb Mexico City, but just as he got there, he got a bad leg cramp. All those long car trips as a child had taught him nothing. So he landed in Mexico City Airport and limped around while people threw money into an upside down sombrero for him.

Then he was invited to dinner by a local family of fourteen. They had a big fiesta with lots of food and beer. It was so much fun that Jesus began to wonder why he’d ever wanted to bomb these wonderful people. But it had to be done.

So the next morning, he headed to the airport. When he got there, he found that his jet had been stolen by some Mexicans or something. Now he was mad, he made a phone call to the Angel Mafia, the only mafia that ain’t afraid to shake down girl scouts and old people.

Within thirty minutes he had his plane back. But he couldn’t afford the cheese sandwich he wanted for lunch. So he flew his jet into the nearest sandwich shop and said, "Gimme a cheese sandwich or I’ll bomb ya!" Sadly, the shop owner only spoke Korean.

After bombing the sandwich shop, he went to search for his cheese sandwich in the nearby village of Juarez. But the only cheese they had didn’t look enough like cheese according to Jesus. So he threw a couple of grenades into the outhouse just to make a mess. Then he bombed a few other major towns, and even a few goat herders with a herd of about forty goats.

Then he headed to France, cheese capital of the world! France gave Jesus a great cheese sandwich, but he bombed them on general principal.