JESUS IN LIZARD TOWN

Jesus was lost, hopelessly lost in an alternate dimension. He'd got here when his friend, Rob, made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Anyway, Jesus and Rob were trapped int he dimension of the lizard people and needed to get home.

Jesus got very upset when the lizard people refused to pray to him. Rob tried to calm Jesus down with a soothing massage, but it was no good. "Why don't you guys just tell him he'd cool, so he can move on to finding us a way home?" Rob asked the lizard people. But the lizard people wouldn't worship Jesus because the already worshiped Lizard-Jesus.

When Lizard-Jesus found out that some inter-dimensional a-hole was trying to seduce his followers, he was pissed. He hopped onto his T-Rex and charged in to meet the usurper.

Jesus was in the center of Lizard Town, pulling the tails off of non-believers then smacking them around with their own tails. Lizard-Jesus rode up on his monstrous T-Rex and yelled, "Kill the Human-Jesus  and his annoying partner!"

"Ahhh!" Rob screamed as he ran for cover inside a lizard hole of some sort, only to find it inhabited by a lizard rapist (that is a lizard who rapes, not a rapist who rapes lizards. Although he's probably raped more than a few lizards in his day, what with living in Lizard Town and all, but he wasn't picky) who raped him.

Meanwhile, outside the lizard hole, Human-Jesus was being raped by Lizard-Jesus' T-Rex. After the rape party, Lizard-Jesus sent Human-Jesus and Rob back to their own dimension, where they were arrested for impregnating the Pope.

UNLICENSED ANIMAL HUSBANDRY

Jesus ordered a turkey burger from a local eatery. He wasn't a weirdo or anything, but he was on a strictly no cow diet after he "accidentally" saw a cow having sex with an impala and it really grossed him out. The burger was brought out by a guy wearing a wearing a fake nose and mustache, and to the best of Jesus' recollection, the guy who took his order was a fat woman. Jesus lifted the burger suspiciously to his nose and inspected it nasal-wise. He came to the conclusion that it was beef! The smell brought back memories of the graceful impala being mounted by the rotund bovine that made Jesus nauseous.

Only three people knew about Jesus' experience, Paul Newman Jr., Dr. Drew Pinksy and God, who sees everything all the time of course. God was obviously the prime suspect because Paul Newman Jr. and Dr. Drew died when Jesus told them what happened. Jesus hopped on his scooter and scooted to Heaven to have it out with God once and for all. That son-of-a-bitch just can't stand other people messing with his animal husbandry.

Jesus burst into God's throne room, but stopped and thew up a little in his mouth when he saw that God had an impala on either side of his throne. "You son-of-a-dick! You think just because your beard is bigger and fuller than mine it's better? Well you know what... AAAAHHHH!" Jesus charged at God with a pair of garden sheers. God casually countered Jesus' attack like that black dude in The Matrix fighting Keanu Reeves. Jesus fell to the floor and God turned to the impalas and said, "Take your revenge."

So Jesus ended up being gang raped by two impalas while God watched, and masturbated and ate a soft pretzel with cheese dip.

THE CASE OF THE MISSING VAN GOGH

Jesus was outside a restaurant, yelling at a valet for stealing his priceless Van Gogh  original from the backseat. The owner of the restaurant came out to see what was the matter, and Jesus demanded compensation. He gave the owner two options: either pay Jesus $25 million, or let Jesus watch as the valet and the owner raped a homeless man.

The owner made a call to his bank before making any hasty decisions, but his funds were significantly lower than Jesus demands. Then he tried to negotiate, "Can't it at least be a homeless chick?"

"Where's the fun in that!?" Asked Jesus. Then he saw that the owner was serious. Jesus agreed to compromise by letting them rape a non-homeless man while he video taped them.

They all headed over to the senior center because the owner thought an older man might be easier to control. "Just make sure he's not a World War II vet or something," the valet said, "I'm not rapin' no war hero!" They looked around and found a man who looked like Woody Allen, only with Barney Fife's body. They lured him into the bathroom with some sick-ass black licorice.

The old man didn't go down without a fight, they beat him and raped him pretty good, and he was pretty sore, but he forgave them after they gave him the licorice.

Jesus went home feeling pretty good about himself. He pulled into his garage and saw something out of the corner of his eye. Turns out the Van Gogh was under the seat the whole time. "I guess I owe those guys an apology," Jesus said. Then he went inside to upload the video to the internet.