POLICE ACADEMY

Jesus had just joined the police academy so that he could do his part to keep the minorities in line.  Plus he was hoping to meet Steve Guttenberg and have zany miss-adventures with him.  When he got there on the first day, the instructor took one look at him and said, “You’re gonna have to shave that beard son.”

“Great,” said Jesus, “and next you’ll be telling me I have to get up early and wear pants.”  Jesus had a good hard laugh, but soon realized this wasn’t going to be as fun as he’d hoped. So he decided to make it fun.  He’d trick his instructor into going to his office late at night, then he’d sneak into the instructor’s house and trick the instructor’s wife into having sex with him.  So he called the instructor and said that he was the dean of the academy or whatever you call it, and told him that the president was going to be at his office to meet with him between 11 PM and 3AM.  He said to dress sharp and bring a baseball glove.  “Awesome!” yelled the instructor guy excitedly.  “Maybe he’s going to ask me to join his softball team!”

The instructor ran out of the house at 10:30, and Jesus snuck in through a window.  But the old woman inside was so ugly, that Jesus couldn’t bring himself to screw her more than twice.  Afterward, about a quarter to 11, Jesus decided to have even more fun.  He went down to the academy and cast a magic spell to make him look and sound like the president.

Jesus ran in naked and asked the instructor if he’d brought the glove.  The instructor showed it to him, and he took it, put his wiener in it and asked for a ride to Mexico.

Half way to Mexico, the instructor got curious and asked why he was naked, and why they were going to Mexico.  Jesus decided it was time to push this asshole out of the car at high speed, so he did.  The instructor hit the pavement hard, and Jesus jumped into the driver’s seat and backed up over him again and again, until he was nothing but a red smear on the highway.

Jesus then took the shape of the instructor, and headed back.  And that’s how Jesus became the instructor at the police academy.

REMEMBER THE ALAMO? WELL, THIS HAPPENED BEFORE THAT

Jesus was three weeks into an expedition from Boston to Louisiana Territory, wherein he robbed settler and traders and blamed it on local Indian tribes. The settlers and traders kept coming, but the Indians caught on quickly, so Jesus had to keep moving.

Jesus went to Texas, where he ran into William Travis, who was also busy robbing settler and traders and blaming Mexicans. "Bill Travis, you son of a bitch," Jesus laughed, "how the hell are you?"

But Travis was less pleased to see Jesus. "Unless you have the horse, boots, wife and kids you stole from me, I don't want to talk to you." Bill warned. It just so happened, that Jesus stole those very same things from another guy yesterday. A much richer guy. Bill agreed to accept these and renew their friendship and partnership.

Bill was on his way to Mexico to call Santa Anna  a girl, but he needed some supplies for the trip. So they headed to Austin or someplace near where Austin would eventually be founded. Once there, Bill went to the general store, and Jesus headed for the saloon. They tied up Bill's new wife and kids outside with the horses.

Bill bought his supplies and headed over to the saloon to meet Jesus. While crossing the street, Bill noticed how quiet and calm it was. Not a person or horse in sight (except Bills). It was a set up, and Bill knew it. Bill reached for his gun, but a warning show at his feet convinced him otherwise. He dived into an alley just in time to avoid the second shot taking his head off.

Bill crawled under the porch of the store and pulled his gun out. He saw three pair of feet, one in sandals, one in boots and in rhinestone covered boots. "Where's your partner?" asked a familiar, British voice. It was Jesus and Travis' old enemies, Davy Crockett and David Bowie, and they had Jesus tied and gagged.

Jesus told them repeatedly that Bill was at the store, but they didn't find him there, so they beat Jesus real bad. Luckily for Bill, he sneaked off, while Jesus was getting beat,with his horse, family and supplies and got to Mexico to call Santa Anna a girl. Jesus swore revenge, but since Bill was already in Mexico, Jesus called it a wash.