JESUS VS. THE BUG KING

            For weeks the news was full of bug problems; ants and roaches were found in every kitchen in America.  Christians prayed to Jesus for help, but Jesus said, “Who do you think I am, an exterminator?”  So the problem continued, and soon the bugs had eaten all of America’s children and Pop Tarts. 

            Jesus walked into the kitchenette of his fabulous Watts apartment and screamed like a little bitch when he opened the cupboard and saw cockroaches finishing off his last Pop Tart.  One by one, Jesus ripped off all their legs.  He pan fried them and ate them with garlic and melted cheddar. 

            Next door the hideous Bug King, Stan, heard the screaming of his poor minions.  He grabbed his scepter, put on his crown, and burst through the wall with fourteen hundred of his closest friends.  Jesus grabbed his nut sack and ran for it. 

            The Bug King gave chase.  Jesus saw that he was being chased, so he pulled out his banjo and played some chase music.  The bugs quickly surrounded Jesus and took him down.  “Get me my castrating spoon!”  yelled the Bug King.  One large cockroach brought Stan a tablespoon.  Jesus let out a hearty laugh, “You think you’re gonna castrate me with that?”  He then lifted his robe to reveal watermelon-sized testicles.  Stan scurried off in search of a bigger spoon. 

            Jesus squirreled and squirmed and tried to free himself, but the bugs were tough, too tough, Andy Richter tough.  Just then, Jesus’ good friend Matt came wandering by, squishing bugs, and he accidentally squished one of Jesus’ nuts. 

            Jesus screamed in pain and ecstasy, a sound that Matt was familiar with.  Matt helped Jesus up and they shared a passionate embrace.  Then they remembered that the Bug King was still lurking about.  So Matt took up Jesus in his arms and ran off into the sunset.  And Matt was never heard from again.  

JESUS AND THE CHUPACABRA

Jesus, amateur spelunker, crawled deeper and deeper into the cave in search of Aztec gold.  Legend had it that when Cortez was betrayed by the Spaniards, he hid his gold in the mountains.  But it was cursed gold, any who found it, would one day eat a bug.  Jesus ate lots of bugs and couldn’t care less for the consequences, and even ate some bugs on the way for added strength and protein.

So Jesus eventually found the gold and went home and bought a mansion.  Years later, there was a knock on the door.  It was a chupacabra, there to enforce the curse.  But it turned out that the curse had been mistranslated, and Jesus had to be impregnated by a bug.

So, the chupacabra held Jesus down while a bug flew up his ass.  And soon, Jesus was having morning problems and crying his eyes out over his bug lover (he didn’t even call like he said he would).

So, Jesus had an abortion, much to the dismay of his hardcore fans.  The bug, the chupacabra and the ghost of Cortez were furious, but there was nothing they could do, as the curse only said that he had to be impregnated by a bug, but said nothing about giving birth.

But Jesus was worried that they’d try to impregnate him again, so he gave all his money to a local strip club and lived poor for the rest of his life, or until something else happened.