REMEMBER THE ALAMO? WELL, THIS HAPPENED BEFORE THAT

Jesus was three weeks into an expedition from Boston to Louisiana Territory, wherein he robbed settler and traders and blamed it on local Indian tribes. The settlers and traders kept coming, but the Indians caught on quickly, so Jesus had to keep moving.

Jesus went to Texas, where he ran into William Travis, who was also busy robbing settler and traders and blaming Mexicans. "Bill Travis, you son of a bitch," Jesus laughed, "how the hell are you?"

But Travis was less pleased to see Jesus. "Unless you have the horse, boots, wife and kids you stole from me, I don't want to talk to you." Bill warned. It just so happened, that Jesus stole those very same things from another guy yesterday. A much richer guy. Bill agreed to accept these and renew their friendship and partnership.

Bill was on his way to Mexico to call Santa Anna  a girl, but he needed some supplies for the trip. So they headed to Austin or someplace near where Austin would eventually be founded. Once there, Bill went to the general store, and Jesus headed for the saloon. They tied up Bill's new wife and kids outside with the horses.

Bill bought his supplies and headed over to the saloon to meet Jesus. While crossing the street, Bill noticed how quiet and calm it was. Not a person or horse in sight (except Bills). It was a set up, and Bill knew it. Bill reached for his gun, but a warning show at his feet convinced him otherwise. He dived into an alley just in time to avoid the second shot taking his head off.

Bill crawled under the porch of the store and pulled his gun out. He saw three pair of feet, one in sandals, one in boots and in rhinestone covered boots. "Where's your partner?" asked a familiar, British voice. It was Jesus and Travis' old enemies, Davy Crockett and David Bowie, and they had Jesus tied and gagged.

Jesus told them repeatedly that Bill was at the store, but they didn't find him there, so they beat Jesus real bad. Luckily for Bill, he sneaked off, while Jesus was getting beat,with his horse, family and supplies and got to Mexico to call Santa Anna a girl. Jesus swore revenge, but since Bill was already in Mexico, Jesus called it a wash.

BEAVER BEATING

Jesus searched and searched through the mess that had once been his Las Vegas penthouse, but he couldn’t find his Jesus Robe. "How can I go out without my Jesus Robe?" he asked. "It’s all I’ve ever worn." But he couldn’t find it, so he was forced to go out in a beaver costume.

He had plans to kidnap a cheerleader for breading purposes, so he wanted to sneak around and get a feel for the layout. The local high school had coincidentally, just changed its mascot from the incredibly racist, Swede Beaters, to the proud and tolerant Beaver Beaters.

Luckily, Jesus’ beaver costume was a girl-beaver costume, so nobody questioned him as he casually walked into the girl’s locker room. There were several cheerleaders there changing into their uniforms for the big pep rally, but only one caught Jesus’ eye. She had red hair, and freckles, wide shoulders and child-bearing hips and she couldn’t have been more than fifteen. Jesus would need to be cunning in order to get away with her.

He sat on a doorknob and stared at her, thinking about stuff, when all of a sudden, she noticed him and her eyes lit up. Jesus felt a weird tension in his stomach, and his heart seemed to be beating off in his chest. The cheerleader jumped excitedly and yelled, "Look everyone, a beaver to beat!"

They all ran at him and beat him down like cheerleaders beating their beavers. But the padding of the costume protected Jesus from their weak, feminine blows. In fact, it felt rather like a massage.

Once the massage was over, Jesus grabbed Red by her pigtails and slammed her face into a locker. Then he picked up her unconscious body and ran off. But campus police were in hot pursuit; he’d need wheels.

After running a few blocks, Jesus found a guy who agreed to trade him his car for the girl. Jesus was well on his way to the movies before he remembered why he even needed the car in the first place. So he slammed on the brakes and backed up into a cowboy, which is pretty weird, I mean, what’s a cowboy doing just walking around? Where’s his horse anyway?

Right, so meanwhile, the guy who traded with Jesus had been arrested for kidnapping. So Jesus found the poor, young, distraught girl and offered her a friendly (sexy) shoulder (dick) to cry (sit) on.