JESUS CLAUS

Christmas was just two days away and Jesus was up at the North Pole getting ready for his annual trip around the world where he would visit little children and give them things their parents wouldn’t approve of.  Jesus was trying on his red suit made of inside out polar bear hide, when in ran one of the elves with an important note carved into his back.  It read, “We’re all out of Pepsi!”

Jesus was so mad, he locked the elf in the closet and shoved the key up another elf’s nose then punched her.  Then he jumped on his reindeer’s back and rode to 7-11.  He ran in and grabbed a six pack, some beef jerky, some cigarettes and a copy of “Big Ass Quarterly”, his favorite periodical.

Jesus hooked the bag of goodies onto his reindeer’s antlers and took off.  On the way back, he was attacked by the abominable snowman’s brother Hal, a tax accountant from Cleveland.

Hal threw fireballs at Jesus, but the reindeer dodged them all.  So Hal resorted to plan B: reverse psychology.  He yelled out to Jesus, “That’s fine, I didn’t want you to get hurt anyway.  I just thought you were cold and would like some fireballs to warm you up.”

Jesus had been summoning up his powers, or “charging” them if you will, and thought, “You know, it is kind of cold, maybe a fireball is just what I need.”

So Hal saw his chance, and threw the biggest fireball ever.  It missed, melted all the snow, and everyone for a thousand miles was burnt to a crisp except for Hal and Jesus.

“Thanks,” Jesus said as he removed his fur coat, “that’s much better.”  Hal then drew his sword and charged Jesus, but he slipped in a puddle and broke his neck and died.

When news of Hal’s defeat reached the abominable snowman, he swore that vengeance would be his.  So the next day, he dug around in Jesus’ trash can and found some naked pictures of Jesus as a baby.  They were all pretty embarrassing and gross, especially the one where he fell in a big pile of goat shit.

The abominable snowman thought briefly of a childhood in a manger with all those animals and moochers.  He even shed a tear of sorrow for Jesus.  Then he sold the pictures to a magazine and made a bunch of money.  Everyone laughed at Jesus and how lame his childhood was and stuff.  And Jesus decided that nobody got any presents that year.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY

Jesus was passing out candy to trick-or-treaters one fine July night (in Heaven, everyday is Halloween and Christmas and Martin Luther King Jr. Day.) He had just sat down, when the doorbell rang for the forty-third time that night.

So he got up, set up his trusty candy-delivering slingshot and opened the door. But it wasn’t trick-or-treaters, it was Billy Dee Williams singing Martin Luther King Day carols. (Sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls") "He’s the king of civil rights, why, He’s the one who said he had a dream. Shared a bathroom with a white guy. Now you all know black guys have big cocks. Don we now our gay apparel. Falala Lalala La La La!" So Jesus took the candy out of his slingshot and replaced it with chicken and waffles, the traditional Martin Luther King Day treat, and launched it at Billy Dee. Billy Dee caught the food in his sack and back flipped to the house next door.

"Billy Dee Williams," Jesus said to himself, "I didn’t even know he was dead."

So Jesus shut the door, took a deep breath and lurched back to his chair. He took a sip from his baby bottle, and the doorbell rang for the forty-fourth time. He got up angrily and rushed to the door with his trusty fireplace poker in hand. He opened the door, ready to club the shit out of Billy Dee, but this time, it was a leprechaun. "I’m here to file a grievance," he said with an Irish brogue. "Why isn’t everyday St. Patrick’s day in Heaven?"

"Because God hates the Irish!" Jesus said and slammed the door.

So Jesus sat back down and opened up his favorite book, A Tale of Two Titties, by Charles Dickingson, when the doorbell rang for the forty-fifth time. Jesus rushed to open the door, it was that Leprechaun again with fifteen of his leprechaun buddies. They battled for five or six minutes, then one of them got past Jesus’ defenses and punched him right in the sack. "That’s why nobody likes you guys," Jesus mumbled to himself in pain.