OFF TO THE RACES

Jesus was all into horse racing lately. He decided to start looking into buying a horse of his own to race. He picked up the Penny Saver one day looking for cheap horses and found several interesting prospects. He decided on a stallion called Rape-Her-Softly, because it reminded him of his father.

Jesus hopped into his lavender Mustang convertible and headed to Norco, Ca, former horse semen consumption capital of the world, losing out the past several years to whatever city Justin Bieber lives in. The owner of the horse was a fat guy named Bill.  The add said the horse was selling for $4,000, but when Jesus got there, he saw the horse only had three legs.

"I'll give you $20," Jesus said.

"$3,950," Bill countered. This went on for a while until Jesus agreed to buy Rape-Her-Softly for $50 and a copy of Jurassic Park on VHS.

Now all Jesus had to do was make Rape-Her-Softly a bad-ass new bionic leg, which he did shortly thereafter. He also decided this horse needed a new name, so he chose Rape-Her-Hydraulically. Also, because of the bionic leg, the horse didn't need a jockey.

Jesus walked around the owner's box the day of his first big race trying to start up rivalries by spitting in people's mint juleps and cleavage. But this was one of those Southern sports where spitting is perfectly acceptable. Anyway, the race started, and everything was going great until Rape-Her-Hydraulically was disqualified for shooting lasers from his bionic leg. So Jesus was banned from racing, and started a new business, selling horse-meat sandwiches.

JESUS IN THE BORDELLO GALAXY

While on a fact-finding mission in Uruguay, Jesus was asked by some philosophical Uruguayan, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Jesus sliced him in half, length wise, with a karate chop, but for some reason the question nagged at him.

So he went to a little farm and slaughtered the whole family and asked all the chickens in a big meeting. They told him that it was the chicken who came first, born as a baby, with no egg, then got busy with some dinosaur or something and created a hybrid.

"But that first chicken," Jesus said, "would have been a different species, and the modern chicken is the hybrid. So, the first chicken was born from an egg. Ha!" The chickens all burst into flame at the sheer power of Jesus’ logic.

So Jesus had a lovely dinner, then took his jetpack to the planet Bordello V. There he was greeted by a robot with a boner. The whole planet was inhabited by robots, and every robot had a boner, and every boner had a spigot which poured out sweet, delicious milk.

Wait, there were chick robots who didn’t have boners, but they were just there to make sandwiches and stuff. So Jesus wandered into a sandwich shop, but he was full from all that chicken. So he decided that this planet was poorly named and went off in search of Bordello I.

But Bordello I was inhabited by boners, and each boner had a robot that made sweet delicious milk. Here too, the women were only good for sandwich making. So Jesus destroyed the entire Bordello galaxy and went back to Earth to get a hooker.