JESUS AND THE FRENCH TREASURE

Jesus sat in his swivel-chair, deep in his underground lair, watching his favorite porno while he studied his treasure map, given to him by the king of France in 1612.  That was a dreary time, when everyone had the plague… or was that some other time?  Jesus had a hard time remembering since the accident. Three years ago, Jesus had been hit in the head by a flying airplane and ever since he had to grow a bigger beard so that he wouldn't lose his car keys or anal lube. 

Just at that minute, he remembered something else he’d hidden in his beard.  He reached in and pulled out a magnifying glass.  He ran to the TV set to get a closer look at a nipple.  Then he was off to the San Fernando Valley to find his long lost sister whom he’d identified by her trademark triangular nipple.

He rode into a gas station on a goat, grabbed the hose and filled the goat’s ass tank.  “Forty-one dollars?  It’s a goddamn goat!” he said.  He ran to find the manager so he could vent his outrage, but she turned out to be a hot chick, peeing.  So all Jesus could do was stare and hold the bathroom door open so everyone could see.  Then he asked her if she knew his sister.

As luck would have it, she was his sister’s roommate/co-star, so Jesus offered to help her rehearse.  She politely declined.  Jesus snapped his fingers and said, “Damn it!” Then they were on their way to see Jesus’ sister.

But on the way they were attacked by an ancient order of French knights, come for their map.  Jesus grabbed that Arco chick and threw her high up in the air and ran.  While she was up in the air he turned her into a German and the French quickly surrendered.

Then Jesus, the Arco chick and the sister found the treasure and had a three-way on top of a pile of gold.  INCEST ROCKS!

JESUS IN THE WOMB

Way back before Jesus was born, he used to roam through the vast caves of his mother’s uterus. One time, he found an old projector and a film reel labeled, “The Joy of Lacrosse.” “Oh no!” unborn baby Jesus said, “no wonder Mom was a virgin, she’s a total dyke.”

Jesus kept rooting around the movies and came across a note addressed to unborn baby Jesus. He snatched it up with his stubby little baby hands and read it. It said, “Dearest baby me, it’s me, Jesus old. I remember the womb sucking ass, so I’ve snuck in and hidden various objects and given you a treasure map. But beware, because our older cousin, Ralph, was terribly jealous when he found out my plan, so he booby-trapped the womb with napalm. If you burn your face, you’ll never be able to grow my trademark beard!”

So, unborn baby Jesus put on his sleuth hat and turned to say something clever, and SNAP! he stepped in a bear trap. “Damnit!” he shouted, “now I’ve got to walk with a limp for the rest of this story!” Jesus, even as an unborn baby in the womb was always self-conscious about his appearance, so he took a few minutes and covered his wound in a rhinestone studded bandage. Then he saw a note on the bear trap. It was from the older Jesus and said, “P.S. the bear trap wasn’t left by Ralph. I always wanted to get someone with a bear trap. I regret that it had to be you, because you’re me. Now find that fucking treasure already!”

So unborn baby Jesus waddled off and turned a corner, and there it was, the treasure. “Wow, I guess I thought there were more places to look.” So he sat there wearing a crown, watching lacrosse films and waiting to be born.