TIME OUT

Jesus was flying through space, fighting aliens, one day when, in the heart of battle, he had a real bad leg cramp and had to call a time out. The aliens were from a galaxy that had a different code regarding time outs in battle. They were forced to convene a counsel of twenty to decide the issue.

By the time the counsel had met and decided to allow the time out, Jesus had already resolved his cramp issues, eaten a sandwich, watched an episode of "Gunsmoke" on Netflix (he got amazing reception out in space on his iPad) and gone to the bathroom (without washing his hands). Now he had the problem of deciding what to do with his forty-eight hour time out.

He decided to sneak into the alien headquarters and kidnap the Alien President and inseminate the Alien First Lady with his demon seed. He turned himself invisible, took off his robe, pooped on the floor to see if it would be invisible (it was), immediately regretted pooping on the floor, left a not for his roommate, then raced off to the alien HQ.

Little did Jesus know, that the aliens saw in infrared, so they could still see him. Luckily, the aliens were small and effeminate, and Jesus was able to defeat them with Kung Fu. Once past the guards, Jesus started looking for the Presidential Suites. He found and inseminated the Alien First Lady easily enough, but then he turned the corner and was ambushed by forty-seven alien troops. They dragged Jesus before the Alien President and made him apologize. Jesus was mad, but calmed down after sneaking off with the Alien President under one arm and a nice rug under the other.

JESUS AND PAUL’S BIG ADVENTURE

Jesus had been excited all week, his old buddy Paul was coming for a visit. Jesus hadn’t seen Paul for a thousand years, not since Peter’s bachelor party in Constantinople. That was a wicked night for Jesus; he contracted syphilis from a blonde hooker named Sissy. He also created a cure for the disease that same night, but the recipe was lost in the move from Heaven to Texas along with his favorite hat.

Paul arrived at Jesus’ Beverly Hills mansion at ten AM on Thursday. He would be in town till Monday, and Jesus had a full itinerary. First they were gonna get a couple of bitches and go drinking on Jesus’ yacht, the Fairy Queen. Then they’d hit the slopes. Paul was an excellent skier, but this trip was specifically designed for snowboarding. Paul couldn’t snowboard worth a damn, so Jesus tried to encourage him, by telling him that if he made it down the mountain unharmed, he’d buy him a pony. So Paul fell down on the bunny slope like four times, and Jesus had a good laugh at his expense, and instead of buying a pony for Paul, he just walked by and kicked it.

The next thing to do was go skydiving. They jumped out of the plane, and were about to open their chutes, when they were abducted by aliens. The aliens wanted someone to mate with Amelia Earhart, whom they had abducted many years ago. Little did they realize that Amelia was long dead. But did that stop Jesus? Hell no! "Bring her on," he cried, drunk on mescaline. He pounded that dusty pussy until the aliens couldn’t stand to hear him yell, "How do ya like that airplane ride bitch?" one more time.

The aliens told him to stop, and when he wouldn’t, they aimed their giant laser at New York and threatened to blow it up. Jesus slowed his pace while he pondered his options. He looked arrogantly into the eye of the head alien and said, "Go, go giant penis!" His member grew and grew until he could use it as a weapon, and then he kicked himself some alien tentacle.

While all this was happening, Paul had somehow learned to fly the alien spacecraft. So they spent the rest of the weekend cruising the galaxy, drinking alien booze, and screwing the crusty lifeless body of Amelia Earhart.