POLICE ACADEMY

Jesus had just joined the police academy so that he could do his part to keep the minorities in line.  Plus he was hoping to meet Steve Guttenberg and have zany miss-adventures with him.  When he got there on the first day, the instructor took one look at him and said, “You’re gonna have to shave that beard son.”

“Great,” said Jesus, “and next you’ll be telling me I have to get up early and wear pants.”  Jesus had a good hard laugh, but soon realized this wasn’t going to be as fun as he’d hoped. So he decided to make it fun.  He’d trick his instructor into going to his office late at night, then he’d sneak into the instructor’s house and trick the instructor’s wife into having sex with him.  So he called the instructor and said that he was the dean of the academy or whatever you call it, and told him that the president was going to be at his office to meet with him between 11 PM and 3AM.  He said to dress sharp and bring a baseball glove.  “Awesome!” yelled the instructor guy excitedly.  “Maybe he’s going to ask me to join his softball team!”

The instructor ran out of the house at 10:30, and Jesus snuck in through a window.  But the old woman inside was so ugly, that Jesus couldn’t bring himself to screw her more than twice.  Afterward, about a quarter to 11, Jesus decided to have even more fun.  He went down to the academy and cast a magic spell to make him look and sound like the president.

Jesus ran in naked and asked the instructor if he’d brought the glove.  The instructor showed it to him, and he took it, put his wiener in it and asked for a ride to Mexico.

Half way to Mexico, the instructor got curious and asked why he was naked, and why they were going to Mexico.  Jesus decided it was time to push this asshole out of the car at high speed, so he did.  The instructor hit the pavement hard, and Jesus jumped into the driver’s seat and backed up over him again and again, until he was nothing but a red smear on the highway.

Jesus then took the shape of the instructor, and headed back.  And that’s how Jesus became the instructor at the police academy.

GORBOOBCHEV

Jesus was at the doctor's office pretending to be a male nurse. He paid special attention to the female patients. He would ask them to disrobe, and when they asked for privacy, he would say, "It's okay, I'm a nurse."

Jesus was looking for a particularly ugly birthmark, like the one on Mikhail Gorbachev's head, but on a boob... Gorboobchev, i guess. The girl who bore the boobmark was wanted by Satan for questioning regarding her involvement in the Lance Armstrong doping scandal. Satan wanted to congratulate her on a successful frame-up, and invite her to join his softball team! He talked Jesus in to joining the search by offering him free tickets to the movies and a spot in the out-field on his softball team if he found her.

It took all day, but she finally came in for a free boob exam. Jesus explained the whole situation while the doctor went to town on her titties. She was in.

The first game was against the Oakfield High School girls team. It was a Saturday in September, and the weather was hot. Jesus was the last to show up. Satan's team was first up at bat. Jesus watched the Oakfield pitcher warming up. she was the fastest underhanded pitcher in Hell, but that Gorboobchev chick had already proven her experience in ball-handling, so Jesus and Satan were pretty sure this would be easy. And it was, by the time the young girls got back on the bus to Oakfield, they were bruised and battered, and their spirits crushed. Plus, two or three of them had been traumatized by Jesus in the locker room.

Satan's team went on to become state champions. Satan threw a big pizza party to celebrate, but he went cheap, so everyone only got one slice.