OFF TO THE RACES

Jesus was all into horse racing lately. He decided to start looking into buying a horse of his own to race. He picked up the Penny Saver one day looking for cheap horses and found several interesting prospects. He decided on a stallion called Rape-Her-Softly, because it reminded him of his father.

Jesus hopped into his lavender Mustang convertible and headed to Norco, Ca, former horse semen consumption capital of the world, losing out the past several years to whatever city Justin Bieber lives in. The owner of the horse was a fat guy named Bill.  The add said the horse was selling for $4,000, but when Jesus got there, he saw the horse only had three legs.

"I'll give you $20," Jesus said.

"$3,950," Bill countered. This went on for a while until Jesus agreed to buy Rape-Her-Softly for $50 and a copy of Jurassic Park on VHS.

Now all Jesus had to do was make Rape-Her-Softly a bad-ass new bionic leg, which he did shortly thereafter. He also decided this horse needed a new name, so he chose Rape-Her-Hydraulically. Also, because of the bionic leg, the horse didn't need a jockey.

Jesus walked around the owner's box the day of his first big race trying to start up rivalries by spitting in people's mint juleps and cleavage. But this was one of those Southern sports where spitting is perfectly acceptable. Anyway, the race started, and everything was going great until Rape-Her-Hydraulically was disqualified for shooting lasers from his bionic leg. So Jesus was banned from racing, and started a new business, selling horse-meat sandwiches.

JESUS AND THE DUKE

Jesus was having drinks with Ricardo, the gay doorman, when suddenly his cell phone rang out the tune from Mighty Mouse.  “The Jesus phone!” he called out.  “Hello… yes… no… you’re pulling my leg… really…?   You don’t say….  I’ll be right there.”

“Who was it?” Ricardo asked as he accidentally spilled a little of his horse-semen cocktail.  Jesus was so offended that Ricardo would waste the sperm that Jesus had spent so much time collecting, that Jesus violently raped him with his girl parts!

Then, Jesus was off to help the ghost of John Wayne, who had called him earlier.  There seemed to be some trouble at the watering hole, so Jesus was pleased that he had loaded up on protein-rich semen before he left.

When he got to the watering hole, he found the Duke and two beautiful women surrounded by Apaches.  They were whooping, and hollering and doing that thing with their hand over their mouth.  And the Indians were just standing there staring at them.  Jesus rode up on the horse he’d ‘made friends with’ earlier, with a shotgun in each hand. 

The Indians fell to the ground left and right with laughter because Jesus was riding sidesaddle.  Jesus didn’t want to take the time to explain his terrible hemorrhoids, so he just showed the Indians his ass.  All the Indians shed a tear, because Jesus cursed them all with hemorrhoids as well. Then they all ran away clutching their buttocks firmly in their hands.

As soon as John Wayne saw the Indians begin to retreat, he opened fire on them and killed all but three, who were left alive to tell the tale.  Then, he and Jesus shared the whores and the Indian scalps and drank semen in the sunset.