SHUTTLE-JACKED

Jesus was in a heated debate with the manager of the local car wash. The manager insisted that Jesus' space shuttle was too big for the nine foot clearance, but Jesus was sure that, with skill, he could make it fit. First, Jesus demanded to see the blue prints, then the manager's wife's boobs, then the restroom.

After a forty-five minute jerk session, Jesus came out to find his space shuttle stripped of all its parts. They'd even taken the fuzzy dice from his rear view mirror! Jesus saw some kids carrying away a rocket booster, but they insisted that it wasn't his.

Jesus had promised to fly a mission for Russian Space Command later that afternoon, and the Kremlin expected him to have his own, clean shuttle suitable for space exploration and pictures and stuff. Where was Jesus going to find another one at this time of the morning?

Jesus sat down on the curb and pondered his options. "There's no way around it," he told his pet lemur, "we're gonna have to steal one from NASA." But the lemur would have none of it, so it went to take a nap on a bench outside the car wash.

Jesus flew off into space to find NASA's newest space shuttle, the "Melissa Joan Hart." There were three astronauts on board, their names aren't important. Jesus pulled them all out at gunpoint and shuttle-jacked them. Then he piloted it over to the International Space Station and spray painted International Nerd Station on it.

Jesus then headed to Moscow. He accidentally knocked over one of the towers  of St. Basil's cathedral when he landed. Anyway, the Russians hooked some space-nukes onto Jesus' shuttle, and that's how the Russians brought America to her knees.

JESUS IN THE BORDELLO GALAXY

While on a fact-finding mission in Uruguay, Jesus was asked by some philosophical Uruguayan, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Jesus sliced him in half, length wise, with a karate chop, but for some reason the question nagged at him.

So he went to a little farm and slaughtered the whole family and asked all the chickens in a big meeting. They told him that it was the chicken who came first, born as a baby, with no egg, then got busy with some dinosaur or something and created a hybrid.

"But that first chicken," Jesus said, "would have been a different species, and the modern chicken is the hybrid. So, the first chicken was born from an egg. Ha!" The chickens all burst into flame at the sheer power of Jesus’ logic.

So Jesus had a lovely dinner, then took his jetpack to the planet Bordello V. There he was greeted by a robot with a boner. The whole planet was inhabited by robots, and every robot had a boner, and every boner had a spigot which poured out sweet, delicious milk.

Wait, there were chick robots who didn’t have boners, but they were just there to make sandwiches and stuff. So Jesus wandered into a sandwich shop, but he was full from all that chicken. So he decided that this planet was poorly named and went off in search of Bordello I.

But Bordello I was inhabited by boners, and each boner had a robot that made sweet delicious milk. Here too, the women were only good for sandwich making. So Jesus destroyed the entire Bordello galaxy and went back to Earth to get a hooker.

CAPTAIN JESUS' ADVENTURES IN SPACE