LEADERSHIP

Jesus was the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, and they'd made it all the way to the Superbowl. Jesus gave his pregame pep-talk in the locker room showers, where he'd ordered everyone to take a knee. "Well, here we are men, naked. Just like the first time I met all of you. Nudity! Male nudity! It sound frightening to most people, but we embrace it. The Cleveland Browns. I think nudity is the key to winning here today, men. Male nudity."

Then the coach ran in and told Jesus to shut up. "Now get dressed and disregard everything Jesus said!"

The teams met at mid-field for the coin toss. Jesus called tails and the coin came up heads. The Lions got the ball and scored like thirty points to win the game. Jesus was mad, male nudity mad. He tried to get his team to storm into the other team's locker room, throw on some horrifying music, get naked and attack, but no one would do it.

Jesus went home, got naked and wrote a letter to his fans. "Dear fans," he wrote, "I've failed you. I can no longer live with the shame and herpes. By the time this letter is found, I will have thrown myself off the roof of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame which, I assume, is tall enough to severely cripple me, but not kill me. Which is just the sort of punishment I deserve, to live on like Larry Flint, a useless lump of a man."

Jesus then walked out into the alley, dressed a sleeping bum in his football uniform and teleported him into a precarious position atop the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

JESUS VS. THE GIRL SCOUTS

Jesus was hanging around the grocery store trying to convince Girl Scouts to let him guide them into womanhood... with his wiener. The problem was, the Girl Scout’s den mother, or whatever she’s called, wouldn't let Jesus get near the girls because he looked and smelled like a rapist. So Jesus hired some high school football team to block for him as he rushed in and intercepted what he called, “the stuff.”

The team lined up in front of Jesus as he set his timer (he always kept a log of these things.) That mother chick was no dope though, she was a martial arts expert and could probably have handled a professional football team, so these high schoolers were no problem.

But Jesus had an ace in the hole, a hologram projector. While this karate chick thought Jesus was in front of her, he was actually behind her coercing Girl Scouts into his van. They were no dopes, as well, it turned out, and were scattering all through out the parking lot.

Jesus decided to grab up as many boxes of cookies as he could and cut his losses. Girl Scout cookies are worth about a quarter of what Girl Scouts are in heaven, but they’d have to do today. Besides, that’s enough to buy a fancy kielbasa dinner, thought Jesus as he tossed all those cookies into the back of his van, then sped off to heaven.