JESUS AND THE BULL OF HEAVEN

Jesus was participating in the nude bull fighting championship in Mexico City, Mexico.  He’d done okay so far by using his Jesus powers on the bulls, but now he was up against Berry, the Bull of Heaven, who was way too smart for Jesus.  They went to kindergarten together and Berry beat Jesus in the spelling bee, the make-things-out-of-play-dough contest and even at naptime (Berry always had some hot college chicks nap with him.)

Jesus was so scared that he could barely get an erection, which was a requirement in nude bull fighting.  So Jesus put a mental image of Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days in his head and was instantly hard.  He walked into the arena. There were three or four people in the audience, but Jesus didn’t have time to count. All his attention was drawn by a giant picture of him in a compromising position, which had obviously been hung on the wall by a bull.  The picture showed Jesus being beaten by kids.

Jesus was so mad, that he didn’t even wait for the buzzer to begin. He drew his sword and charged at Berry.  Berry had expected this rash behavior from Jesus and planned accordingly, so Jesus ran straight into the clear plastic wall that Berry had prepared earlier, and the crowd went wild.  Jesus peeled himself off the wall in time to avoid Berry’s next attack, which involved a chainsaw.  He charged at Berry again, this time with his broken erection in both hands.  Berry did a spinning-jump kick and knocked Jesus to the floor, then sat on him until Jesus died of hooker deprivation.

JESUS AND THE CHEESE SANDWICH

Jesus was flying about in his stolen F-16. His plan was to bomb Mexico City, but just as he got there, he got a bad leg cramp. All those long car trips as a child had taught him nothing. So he landed in Mexico City Airport and limped around while people threw money into an upside down sombrero for him.

Then he was invited to dinner by a local family of fourteen. They had a big fiesta with lots of food and beer. It was so much fun that Jesus began to wonder why he’d ever wanted to bomb these wonderful people. But it had to be done.

So the next morning, he headed to the airport. When he got there, he found that his jet had been stolen by some Mexicans or something. Now he was mad, he made a phone call to the Angel Mafia, the only mafia that ain’t afraid to shake down girl scouts and old people.

Within thirty minutes he had his plane back. But he couldn’t afford the cheese sandwich he wanted for lunch. So he flew his jet into the nearest sandwich shop and said, "Gimme a cheese sandwich or I’ll bomb ya!" Sadly, the shop owner only spoke Korean.

After bombing the sandwich shop, he went to search for his cheese sandwich in the nearby village of Juarez. But the only cheese they had didn’t look enough like cheese according to Jesus. So he threw a couple of grenades into the outhouse just to make a mess. Then he bombed a few other major towns, and even a few goat herders with a herd of about forty goats.

Then he headed to France, cheese capital of the world! France gave Jesus a great cheese sandwich, but he bombed them on general principal.