SHUTTLE-JACKED

Jesus was in a heated debate with the manager of the local car wash. The manager insisted that Jesus' space shuttle was too big for the nine foot clearance, but Jesus was sure that, with skill, he could make it fit. First, Jesus demanded to see the blue prints, then the manager's wife's boobs, then the restroom.

After a forty-five minute jerk session, Jesus came out to find his space shuttle stripped of all its parts. They'd even taken the fuzzy dice from his rear view mirror! Jesus saw some kids carrying away a rocket booster, but they insisted that it wasn't his.

Jesus had promised to fly a mission for Russian Space Command later that afternoon, and the Kremlin expected him to have his own, clean shuttle suitable for space exploration and pictures and stuff. Where was Jesus going to find another one at this time of the morning?

Jesus sat down on the curb and pondered his options. "There's no way around it," he told his pet lemur, "we're gonna have to steal one from NASA." But the lemur would have none of it, so it went to take a nap on a bench outside the car wash.

Jesus flew off into space to find NASA's newest space shuttle, the "Melissa Joan Hart." There were three astronauts on board, their names aren't important. Jesus pulled them all out at gunpoint and shuttle-jacked them. Then he piloted it over to the International Space Station and spray painted International Nerd Station on it.

Jesus then headed to Moscow. He accidentally knocked over one of the towers  of St. Basil's cathedral when he landed. Anyway, the Russians hooked some space-nukes onto Jesus' shuttle, and that's how the Russians brought America to her knees.

Happy Valentine's Day

JESUS SCRATCHES AN ITCH

Jesus was building a house for himself to live in. It was going to have all sorts of secret passages, and two-way-mirrors and secret rooms to torture his victims in without bothering his neighbors. The only problem was the building inspector, Vanessa. She was a hot-blonde-type, and Jesus was going to have to kill her approved all his secret stuff.

They walked together from room to room as Jesus gave reasonable and plausible answers to all of Vanessa's tough questions like, "Is that your hand on my breast?" Finally, she gave Jesus the proper permits, and he was about to smash her head in with a glass paper weight shaped like Mt. Rushmore, when he suddenly realized that all he had to do to keep her from talking, was capture her and lock her in one of his dungeons and never let her out.

All he had to do was put a blindfold on her and spin her around real fast and throw her in a room and lock the door.  He casually asked if she'd like to play a game of pin the tail on the donkey. She seemed to consider it for a moment, but politely declined. But of course, she couldn't resist the piñata.

So Jesus had Vanessa locked up in no time. Little did he know, that she was an undercover vice cop who had literally followed a trail of dead hookers right to Jesus' front door. As soon as she was in trouble, she said the code word, "Barracuda!" and the house was surrounded by cops. Jesus grabbed Vanessa and gagged her with a sock and headed into one of his secret passages. Once they were well hidden, Jesus put Vanessa down to scratch himself and she got the drop on him and took him in.

Down at the station, Jesus tickled the police captain and was beaten for a while. Then he was released when the Supreme Court made hooker-murder legal again. Justice prevails.

JESUS VS. THE GIRL SCOUTS

Jesus was hanging around the grocery store trying to convince Girl Scouts to let him guide them into womanhood... with his wiener. The problem was, the Girl Scout’s den mother, or whatever she’s called, wouldn't let Jesus get near the girls because he looked and smelled like a rapist. So Jesus hired some high school football team to block for him as he rushed in and intercepted what he called, “the stuff.”

The team lined up in front of Jesus as he set his timer (he always kept a log of these things.) That mother chick was no dope though, she was a martial arts expert and could probably have handled a professional football team, so these high schoolers were no problem.

But Jesus had an ace in the hole, a hologram projector. While this karate chick thought Jesus was in front of her, he was actually behind her coercing Girl Scouts into his van. They were no dopes, as well, it turned out, and were scattering all through out the parking lot.

Jesus decided to grab up as many boxes of cookies as he could and cut his losses. Girl Scout cookies are worth about a quarter of what Girl Scouts are in heaven, but they’d have to do today. Besides, that’s enough to buy a fancy kielbasa dinner, thought Jesus as he tossed all those cookies into the back of his van, then sped off to heaven.

PLANTS VS JESUS

Jesus had recently been suffering from intense sneezing fits. The kind where you sneeze so hard your muscles get sore and you can't control your anus, which is also sore from sneezing. He concluded that he must be allergic to something, probably some sort of plant.

He decided to clear out all the plants within a ten mile radius of his house. So he went to his local military surplus store in search of a flame thrower. They didn't have one. They didn't even have the parts to make one in a rush. They did have some kick-ass helmets and medals. Jesus stole some and ran to Walmart to get the parts he'd need for his flame thrower.

Once in Walmart, he got distracted in the electronics section. "A thirty-two inch TV for $99!" He said. "How do they do it?" Ten minutes later he was walking home with a TV under each arm when another sneezing fit caused him to drop his new TVs and reminded him of what he'd been doing.

He cursed Walmart forever and ran to the nearest gas station. He bought a bag of water balloons and filled them with gasoline. He hurled them each into unsuspecting trees and set them alight. "This is taking too long!" he screamed to the heavens. He grabbed his robes with both hands and tore them asunder. He transformed his wang into a flame thrower and started ejaculating fire in every direction.

Of course, this sort of thing had been a regular occurrence in town since Jesus moved in, so the town's Sheriff and Fire Chief were ready with the only thing known to man with the power to stop Jesus, a large pizza with extra pepperoni from Tony's Pizza. When he smelled the pizza, Jesus stopped fire-cumming and sat down to eat.

Jesus poured some crushed red peppers on his pizza and sneezed. "Is this what's been making me sneeze?" he asked. He threw the peppers in the trash and resumed eating. Problem solved.

FLIP OR FLOP

Jesus had bought one hundred houses in Detroit for $5.00 a piece, and now he was neck deep in one hundred remodels. His plan was to sell all the houses for a profit of several hundred dollars, but he was beginning to think that he'd need some help.

He had a clear vision of a swingin' montage of a bunch of gay dudes designing and swatching, and a bunch of burly guys hammering and nailing and it all coming together. 'The problem was that Detroit's gay population was terrible at being gay... I mean doing gay things... like picking out color combinations, and lighting schemes and greasing up a man's butthole before blowing him,' Jesus thought to himself. The other problem was that Detroit's burly-man population was terrible at not stealing all of Jesus' tools and stuff. And importing gays and burlys from Boston would eat up all of Jesus' profit.

There was only one solution, he'd have to make the people of Detroit less awful. He decided to grant each resident one Christmas wish. He had to go through a temp agency from Heaven to make sure he had the proper man power. The six-hour phone call to the temp agency was an ordeal, but only because it was boring. Jesus powered through that and started granting wishes.

One gay wished for a blowjob, and another wished to suck a dick... two birds, one stone. One Burly guy wished for a new car stereo, then remembered he didn't have a car. Dork. Then, one guy wished for Detroit's economy to be great again. When Jesus granted that wish, his shitty houses shot up in value and the remodels were no longer necessary. Jesus got rich and the good people of Detroit lived happily ever after.

JESUS AND THE ALLEY OF DEATH

Jesus was sleeping hard after a long day of experimenting on farts, when a terrified scream startled him awake. He looked down into the alley from his window, and saw three dudes beating up a ninja. Jesus' better judgement told him that anybody who could beat up a ninja, even three against one, was best left un-trifled with. But Jesus also knew that if he saved the life of a ninja, the ninja would be in his debt forever, or for two weeks. Maybe it was corporate vice presidents that were in your debt forever, Jesus couldn't remember.

Anyway, Jesus dove through his bedroom window, and pounced on the biggest of the three dudes, tearing his lower mandible from his body. Jesus then threw the mandible boomerang-style into the heads of the other two, killing them instantly.

Jesus approached the ninja to collect his reward, but upon closer inspection, it turned out not to be a ninja at all, but a Muslim woman who was dressed as a ninja from some dumb reason. Jesus had to think quick to figure out how to turn this to his advantage. He thought to himself, 'What would Mohammad do?' Then he remembered that Mohammad hated woman, and Jesus. 'Fuck that guy,' Jesus concluded.

Then Jesus realized that he had just been staring at this beat up woman for a minute, and he probably looked pretty awkward. So he threw some Jesus dust in her eyes and ran off in search of real ninjas.

THE FIST OF JUSTICE

Jesus was swimming in his neighbor's pool one night, unbeknownst to his neighbor, Cuba Gooding Jr. Cuba had a big dog, that really scared Jesus, named Rex. Rex and Cuba were both inside, cuddling up to a good movie. The were watching Casablanca. Cuba had just signed on to play the only black guy, Sam, in the remake. Rick was going to be played by Johnny Knoxville, and the chick was model, Kate Upton, in her acting debut.

Anyway, the pool had been upwind of Cuba's bedroom window until now. Rex caught the sent of a wet and slow Jesus and raced downstairs and out the doggy door. Jesus saw him and screamed and tried to escape by magically transporting himself elsewhere. But Rex jumped into Jesus' magic "doorway" and went with him to 1970s Burt Reynold's house.

Burt was in the middle of a swinging party. Lots of the guests were wet and hairy, so Jesus fit right in. But there was no place for an angry dog at one of Burt's parties. Burt sat naked on a pile of cushions, with a woman on each arm and a third between his legs, and also a butler in the corner of the room getting it on with some hot brunette '70s chick. It was a couple of minutes before Burt's butler could address the dog problem. But by then, Peter Graves had already subdued the dog and incorporated it into the orgy.

Jesus was elbow deep in Sally Field's anus, and had forgotten all about the dog, when 1970s Jesus showed up all Black Panthered out and pissed at nowadays Jesus for banging a white white girl when there are literally tens of thousands of available black women whose anuses need fisting. Anyway, they got to arguing and fighting, and one thing led to another, and now the universe is all destroyed and stuff.

BRAKES AND BUTT LUBE

Jesus was about to fix the brakes on his mom’s car with his good buddy, Hilary Duff. They were going over the pre-operation checklist. “Car?” Jesus said. “Check,” Hilary answered. “Jack?” “Check.” “New brakes?” “Check.” “Dynamite?” “Check.” “Lube?” “Empty!” Hilary exclaimed with puzzled delight. She had no desire to work in the hot sun, and lube shopping meant they would have to go to a nice air-conditioned store somewhere.

So they jumped into her BMW and headed to the local lube shop. Jesus picked up a bottle of brake lube, then he noticed Hilary bending over, and grabbed a tube of butt lube. Maybe he was being optimistic, but he liked to be prepared, you know, mentally. Butt sex isn’t something you can just jump into without lube and mental preparation. Anyway, they wandered around the store for a while and came across a good sale on stainless steel lube applicators.

Then it was back to the brakes. Jesus started by jacking the car up and smearing lube all over it. Then it was time for a break. Jesus tossed the tube of butt lube and the applicators to Hilary and made a lewd pelvic-thrusting gesture at her and said, “Break time rocks!” She, unfortunately, didn't feel the same about break time or Jesus. So they argued about it for a while and Jesus eventually stormed off in anger.

Then he had an idea; he would tie her up and force her to have butt sex with him. “I wonder if that’s legal?” he wondered aloud. “I mean, if a chick’s got a sexy ass she shouldn't be allowed to withhold it like that.” Jesus’ reasoning was sound, so he pulled Hilary out of the car by her hair and gave her a few solid thrust (nowhere near the butt), got off and ran off ejaculating.

He dove into a bush and hid until the heat died down. Then  he fixed his mom’s car with magic and ate a hot pocket in bed watching ER reruns.

TEAM FLOWERPOT

Jesus was being chased up the stairs of a big tower in China by the Chinese Mafia. His partner in crime, Gary Busey, was already on the roof, rigging it with explosives. Jesus was rounding the corner a few stories short of the roof when he was ambushed by Billy Ho, the son of the mafia boss.

Jesus laughed, not for the first time, at the fact that the mob boss’ name was Ho. “Quit laughing at me!” Billy screamed with a Chinese accent. Billy pointed his Uzi at Jesus and Jesus thought he was dead for sure, but Busey snuck up behind Billy with a dildo and knocked him unconscious and stuffed him in a box marked, “Boring stuff that would be of interest to no one.”

The two man gang, Team Flowerpot, made it to the roof and parachuted down to safety. Then the Chinese Mafia, all but Billy Ho, were blown to pieces when the roof blew up. Billy vowed that he would kill Team Flowerpot and get back the Jade Dragon, which incidentally was what started this whole thing, but he was trapped in a box that was being shipped to Canada, and Jesus and Busey were well on their way to France to sell the Jade Dragon. Luckily for Billy Ho, three nerdy Chinese kids found the box with mysterious American writing and inadvertently turned Billy Ho loose.

Billy knew exactly where Team Flowerpot was going because the only one collector had ever tried to buy the Jade Dragon, and only he would be foolish enough to hire Team Flowerpot to steal it. Ho called the company jet and was off to France. The collector, Jean-Luc Delacroix, was waiting for Team Flowerpot to show up with the Jade Dragon at a small cafe in Paris. He was sipping a glass of wine, smoking a cigarette, wearing a beret and generally being very French. Billy was watching from across the street with a pair of binoculars as Jesus made the transaction. Then Busey snuck up and killed Billy with a dildo.

JESUS THE ASSASSIN

Jesus was creeping around the jungles of Columbia. His mission was to assassinate Juan Valdez. He was three clicks out from his target’s military compound, so he decided it was time to change into his donkey costume. He made his way to the stables where he could take the place of Juan’s prized donkey, Pedro.

But when he got there he was struck with vivid memories of his early childhood and didn’t see the Columbian children sneaking up behind him. One young boy jumped up on Jesus’ back while another branded a big “I heart burritos” on his ass. Jesus jumped up and screamed. The poor boys tried to run, but Jesus had been angered and his inner beasts awoken and donkey costume set aflame.

He cut a terrible figure as he ran on all fours after the children, his burning fur lighting up the night like a demon from hell. Juan rushed out and shouted, “No Pedro! No!” he believe that his prize burro had gone mad or been possessed or something. There was only one thing to do, Juan thought as he took another sip from his cocaine-laced coffee, and that’s take a siesta.

So he went back to his room and lied down, but the burning burrow problem just wasn’t going away like he’d hoped. He pulled the covers up over his head seconds before Jesus pounced through the window. Foolish Juan prayed to Jesus to help him.

“Sphincter!” Jesus shouted as he ripped the blankets from Juan’s bed, thinking it meant “help me” in Spanish. You see, Jesus had a crush on one of the girls back in his high school Spanish class and could never focus on his verbs. Anyway, Jesus set the whole room on fire and, long story short, the price of coffee went up 12%.

JESUS GETS SICK

Jesus was stuck at home, sick, one Saturday in heaven. His dad wouldn’t let him go out and play because he was very contagious and had already gotten four or five other kids in the neighborhood sick as well. So Jesus and his herpes stayed home and watched reruns of Gilligan’s Island.

Jesus started pondering the age-old question, the Skipper or Mary Anne? I mean Ginger or Mary Anne? Mary Anne had the girl next door thing, but Ginger was a slutty movie star. He decided to ask the expert… Alan Hale. He called Alan, but his mom said that he was outside riding bikes with his friends. So Jesus decided to hop on into TV land and find out for himself. He stood up, dropped his box of tissues, crouched down and jumped headfirst into his dad’s 80” flat screen TV.

He awoke later amidst paramedics and the shattered remains of the TV. Jesus stood up and shoved the paramedics away and did a magic dance and teleported himself to Gilligan’s Island.

Once there, he quickly distracted the others with promises of rescue helicopters. So while the others were desperately watching the skies, Jesus kidnapped the two hotties and took them back to his house. Needless to say, the two were so happy to be rescued, they were willing to do anything… anything!

After two days, Jesus still wasn’t sure, so he brought in an outside consultant… Bob Denver. Now Bob was a little too old and rickety to just jump on some hot pussy lickety split. So he just watched for the first 45 minutes. But then, when he did jump on, he rode it till it was sore. Jesus and the girls gave him a standing ovation, during which, he died.

So Jesus stabbed the girls to death so they could all meet up in heaven to find out who won. They caught up to Bob in line at the gate. He declared Mary Anne the winner. So they all went out to celebrate, except for Ginger, who didn’t feel very much like celebrating.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DEITY?

Jesus had been missing for four days, and his dad was starting to worry. Usually Jesus left a note, or his exploits made the news, or cease and desist orders arrived in the mail, but not this time. After several gin and tonics, he finally got up the nerve to call the one guy who could help.

"Hello?"

"Satan?"

"God!?"

"Yes, it's God.... Hello?"

"Yes, I'm here, what... uh... what can I do for you?"

"I need your help. My baby boy's been missing since Tuesday."

Satan looked over his various monitors and saw that Jesus was in one of the devil's pleasure houses enjoying a three-way with Winston Churchill and Joan of Arc. "I haven't seen him," Satan told God.

"Well, we need to find him!"

Satan's mind was turning, trying to figure out how he could use this to his advantage. "Have you checked Earth?"

"I see all of Earth all the time. It's my curse."

"How about the other planets? I heard he has a huge record collection on Pluto."

"Well then that's where I'll go! Can you come with me? For company and moral support. It's a really long trip."

"Nah, I can't, I got diabetes."

"That's extremely unlikely."

"You're telling me! Who knew there was sugar in Pepsi? Maybe you could get Khloe Kardashian to go with you."

God agreed, and soon he and Khloe were off to Pluto, leaving Heaven and Purgatory unguarded. Satan slid down the fireman's pole in his office to the whore house below to talk to Jesus. He had to play it cool. "Hey Jesus, I'll bet you can't live on Venus for eight weeks."

"You're on!" Jesus shouted, then raced off to Venus.

Satan had it all, finally. It was all his. So he left George Takei in charge of Hell and took up the throne of Heaven and began his long, prosperous rule as Lord Satan II.

JESUS AND GOD AND SATAN'S BACK STORY

So a long time ago, God went backpacking through another galaxy and brought home an Alpha-Centaurian cold, then sneezed out the Sun and Earth etc. He also gave the cold to his little brother Satan and it ruined Satan's one chance with the girl of his dreams. Satan had to watch while Felicity had sex repeatedly with his and God's older brother Steve. Because his cold was so bad he couldn't get an erection.

Steve was the Ultra-Lord of the entire super cluster, and Satan was intensely jealous. And now, because of God, it seemed Satan's one chance at happiness was gone. The feud began on a small scale; black hole-throwing, toilet paper-hiding, friend-murdering, but it was Satan who first crossed the line when he convinced Eve to eat that apple.

God was so mad, he didn't know what to do at first. Then he had a brilliant idea, he'd bang some virgin, get her pregnant, then murder his own son violently and say to Satan, "Now look what you've made me do!" Satan felt so guilty that he decided to endow the son of God, that Jesus guy that everyone goes on about, with magic powers so that he would rise from the dead.

It took Satan three long days in the laboratory, but he finally got the recipe right. Jesus was so grateful that he promised to always be impartial when it came to Satan and God. God was, needless to say, pretty pissed when Jesus showed up at dinner that night.

God went straight to Satan's house and started smashing shit up until Steve showed up to find out what all the ruckus was. When Steve found out that his little brothers were feuding about some chick that he'd banged eons ago, he tied them together with toilet paper, peed on them then tossed them into a black hole.