PILOT JESUS

Jesus was skydiving out of a plane he’d been flying with six people on board.  He had been flying around for a while and got bored, so he told a knock-knock joke, “Knock-knock,” he said.

“Who’s there?” said everybody else.

“Nobody,” he said.

“Nobody, who?” but when they looked to the cockpit, Jesus was gone.  Luckily, he’d left a crude drawing of himself masturbating while flying the plane, which showed his passengers how the controls worked.  So one dude, called Alfred, took the stick and jerked it wildly, and it shot hot goo on his face, and he screamed and crashed them all into a field full of cows.

Meanwhile, Jesus floated gently to the roof of a church, for a surprise sermon.  Everyone cheered and took pictures and sold them on eBay.  So Jesus went into his speech about how abstinence was the work of the devil, and how the bible was written by dudes who were high on goat piss (try it, it works).  Then he declared it orgy-time!

Everything was going great until some old man accidentally bumped into Jesus’ butt.  Jesus turned and picked him up by the neck and touched his butt.  Then Jesus declared it nap-time! When everyone was asleep, Jesus took all their money and belts.  Then, when they all woke up and had to hold their pants up, he took pictures and sold them on eBay. 

So Jesus walked into a field across the street from the church where he found two survivors from the plane crash eating the other four passengers.  “What are you doing?” Jesus asked.  “This is Wyoming, not the Alps.  There’s a McDonald’s a block away.”  So the survivors wandered away, ashamed of their cannibalism, leaving more meat for Jesus, all for Jesus.

JESUS GOES IRISH

Jesus was traveling through Ireland and all the Catholics and Protestants kept coming up to him and asking which of their religions was right. Jesus kept saying things like, “Remind me what the difference is,” or ”I just want a beer, go away.” But when Liam Neisen walked in or up or whatever and demanded an answer. All Jesus could do was run.

He ran for miles and every time he turned, Liam Neisen was right on his ass. Next thing he knew he was trapped between Liam Neisen and a cliff. Jesus yelled out, “I didn’t kill your wife, I only stabbed her a little.” Liam was obviously perplexed by this because his wife had been stabbed by a bearded assailant, recently. Jesus took the opportunity to stab Liam’s wife again, though what she was doing by that cliff God only knows, and he’s not saying.

Needless to say, Liam was pretty pissed now, so he drew his sword and stabbed Jesus in the throat. Jesus fell dramatically from the cliff with his arms flailing and the sword still in his throat. He fell quite a ways before pulling the sword from his throat and riding it witch-broomstick style to Liam Neisen’s house. There he hid on the roof and waited. He waited all night and eventually fell asleep. Liam, of course, had taken his wife to the hospital and then to church and then for ice cream.
Jesus hated waiting so he wrote a little note and left it on the door. It said, “Liam Neisen blows hard cock!” when Liam got home and read the note he chuckled and said, “Well not since college.” Then Jesus jumped out and stabbed Liam’s wife, which was really starting to get old. So she went down and Liam said, “Bloody hell, not again.” Then Jesus jumped about like Daffy Duck yelling, “Woo hoo, woo hoo!”

Liam chased Jesus around the house with a shotgun. Jesus turned and stuck his finger in the barrel and started to say something sexual about it and Liam blew his hand off. Jesus dropped to the floor and cried. Liam laughed and laughed and refused Jesus any medical attention until he told him which religion was right. So Jesus bled to death on the hallway floor and Liam buried his body in the ballpit at the local McDonalds.