QUEST FOR THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE UNIVERSE

Jesus was doing the laundry one-day when he found a cat’s head in the dryer. "It must have fallen out of my pocket," he said. But as he examined it further, he realized that it wasn’t his. This started him on his famous quest to find the hottest chick in the universe.

He knew just the place to start looking, Rob Schneider’s house. So he called Rob and told him he needed his help to find the hottest chick. But Rob just laughed and told Jesus that if he even looked at one of his hoes, he would tell everyone how Jesus got to be assistant manager over at the bowling alley. Jesus decided that he didn’t want people to hear about him and his plot to climb the corporate ladder with his one good hand.

His next idea was to set up a trap inside the local strip club. It was a crude trap consisting of a Japanese businessman under a box propped up with a stick. Jesus caught plenty of strippers, but they were all old and full of herpes.

So he hopped on his flying kayak and was off to planet Globoolack. Globoolack had long boasted the hottest chick in the universe, but she was paved over to make way for a strip mall parking lot. But Jesus was sure there would be an almost equally hot chick somewhere on this silly purple planet. So he started tearing the roofs off of homes until he found some hot chicks, whom he shook up until they barfed. Then he smashed up the town a little more.

Then, Jesus looked to the sky and found what he was looking for. She looked like Keeley Hazell, Lexi Belle and Flo from the Progressive commercial all at once, only way hotter. Jesus came in his pants, then he went home, had a shower and went to sleep, his task completed.

JESUS AND THE CHUPACABRA

Jesus, amateur spelunker, crawled deeper and deeper into the cave in search of Aztec gold.  Legend had it that when Cortez was betrayed by the Spaniards, he hid his gold in the mountains.  But it was cursed gold, any who found it, would one day eat a bug.  Jesus ate lots of bugs and couldn’t care less for the consequences, and even ate some bugs on the way for added strength and protein.

So Jesus eventually found the gold and went home and bought a mansion.  Years later, there was a knock on the door.  It was a chupacabra, there to enforce the curse.  But it turned out that the curse had been mistranslated, and Jesus had to be impregnated by a bug.

So, the chupacabra held Jesus down while a bug flew up his ass.  And soon, Jesus was having morning problems and crying his eyes out over his bug lover (he didn’t even call like he said he would).

So, Jesus had an abortion, much to the dismay of his hardcore fans.  The bug, the chupacabra and the ghost of Cortez were furious, but there was nothing they could do, as the curse only said that he had to be impregnated by a bug, but said nothing about giving birth.

But Jesus was worried that they’d try to impregnate him again, so he gave all his money to a local strip club and lived poor for the rest of his life, or until something else happened.