JESUS THE ASSASSIN

Jesus was creeping around the jungles of Columbia. His mission was to assassinate Juan Valdez. He was three clicks out from his target’s military compound, so he decided it was time to change into his donkey costume. He made his way to the stables where he could take the place of Juan’s prized donkey, Pedro.

But when he got there he was struck with vivid memories of his early childhood and didn’t see the Columbian children sneaking up behind him. One young boy jumped up on Jesus’ back while another branded a big “I heart burritos” on his ass. Jesus jumped up and screamed. The poor boys tried to run, but Jesus had been angered and his inner beasts awoken and donkey costume set aflame.

He cut a terrible figure as he ran on all fours after the children, his burning fur lighting up the night like a demon from hell. Juan rushed out and shouted, “No Pedro! No!” he believe that his prize burro had gone mad or been possessed or something. There was only one thing to do, Juan thought as he took another sip from his cocaine-laced coffee, and that’s take a siesta.

So he went back to his room and lied down, but the burning burrow problem just wasn’t going away like he’d hoped. He pulled the covers up over his head seconds before Jesus pounced through the window. Foolish Juan prayed to Jesus to help him.

“Sphincter!” Jesus shouted as he ripped the blankets from Juan’s bed, thinking it meant “help me” in Spanish. You see, Jesus had a crush on one of the girls back in his high school Spanish class and could never focus on his verbs. Anyway, Jesus set the whole room on fire and, long story short, the price of coffee went up 12%.

SUFFER NOT A WITCH TO LIVE

Jesus was riding the bus to Salem, Massachusetts from Boston for the big dominoes tournament.  This meant that the town was going to need a lot of extra cocaine, which Jesus demanded from every town he visited.  So the mayor of Salem called the local drug connection, who happened to be an evil witch.  The witch conjured up some high-grade cocaine; 10,000 lbs. of it for only two hundred dollars.  Nobody could compete with her.

Jesus came to watch his favorite player, Donny Dickrake, but walked in just in time to see Donny get eliminated from the competition.  “Damnit!” Jesus yelled, “I shouldn’t have stopped to do all that cocaine.”

So Jesus wandered the streets all freaked out, and bumped into his ex girlfriend… that witch from earlier with the cocaine and stuff.  They decided to have sex for old times’ sake, but as soon as she took her shirt off Jesus saw the hairy witchmole on her left nipple.  “Now I remember why I dumped you!” he said.

“You dumped me?” she said.  “I dumped you because you wouldn’t shave your beard!”

How to settle this dispute?  Jesus called his friends at the Vatican and it was time for an old fashioned witch burning.  The Pope, what’s his name, was out of town that weekend, but came back in time for the feast.

Jesus had severed her tongue for one last rich, smoky kiss.  Then he took a picture of the tongue up his butt, fed the tongue to the Pope and sent him the picture in the mail.