JESUS AND THE MEDALLION OF AMON-RA

Jesus was sitting quietly, enjoying an English muffin and contemplating the social effects of tying penguins to strings and spinning them around real fast and hurling them into hot girls, then running up and killing the penguins and telling the girls they were rabid and then charging them for penguin removal.

“But that would never work,” Jesus said as he took another bite of delicious English muffin.  Just then, some college jocks walked by him and one of them called him a fag for eating an English muffin.  Jesus ignored them ‘cause he’d already gotten three wedgies that day.  So, they resolved to taunt him further and throw eggs at him.
 
Jesus wondered, why did they have eggs?  Perhaps they were doing one of those fake baby projects like on all those lame sitcoms on TV where you just know the poor schmoe’s gonna drop it but you’re like, “Why’s he even worried about it? Just get another egg!”

“Or perhaps they’re all just chickens,” Jesus said, and magically turned them all into chickens.  Then he put them in a box so he could tie strings to them and sling them into hot chicks.

On the way to the mall, he felt the need to stop at a uniform store so that he could look like an official Rabid-Chicken-Removal-Specialist.  But the guy at the store said the uniform would take three weeks to deliver, and those chickens would probably not last that long.  So Jesus settled on a railroad conductor uniform.

So Jesus was off to the train yard where he planned to use one of the chickens to derail a train.  But that didn't work, it just wasted a perfectly good chicken.  So he spent a few hours “rescuing” women from rabid chickens.  He didn't make much money, but the medallion he carries that absorbs screams and converts them into thermal-nuclear energy was filled during the day by the screams of horrified and disgusted women.

 Jesus went home and ate a nuclear toasted English muffin and went to sleep, his tummy full and his remaining chickens safely in their coup.

CASTAWAY

Jesus was driving around the world in his Previa minivan/jet that he built himself.  It didn’t use regular fuel, though, it ran on faith.  It got power every time a child sang “Jesus Loves Me.” But Jesus actually hated children, and thanks to a report on “Dateline,” everybody knew it.  So everyone stopped singing happy songs about Jesus, and his jet-van came crashing down somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Jesus woke up on an island, naked.  “Damn it!” cried Jesus.  “I knew I should have built it to run on the souls of aborted babies.”  He went out in search of natives to terrorize and molest and what not, “And when I find ‘em, they better have some night clubs so I can dance, naked.”

Jesus wandered for like two weeks and found nothing.  So he did his puppy rain dance and puppies rained from the sky.  Jesus had a big ass barbecue, and also made some pants and a little hat.

While he was cooking breakfast the next day, he was startled by something, but he wasn’t sure what, so he decided to investigate.  First, he’d need to build a startle-o-meter, then he’d need to test it on somebody.  So he built his machine and then did his hot chick rain dance, and hot chicks rained from the sky.  The fall from the sky left all these hot chicks crippled or dead, so they were easy to catch and bone.

Jesus hooked some chicks up to his startle-o-meter and started pretending to punch them, and yelling “Boo!” or “Look a bear!” or “Look a penis!”  After weeks of testing, he was ready to find out what had startled him earlier.  Turns out it was just the wind.  So he did his fat chick rain dance, and fat chicks rained from the sky.  He carved one out and canoed his way to civilization.