THE WAGER

Jesus left the AM/PM and started down the highway, only to realize he'd neglected to pick up a straw for his 64 oz soda. He was in the middle of the desert on his way to Tuscon Arizona, and there was nowhere to make a u-turn, legal or otherwise. He decided to do the manly thing and remove the lid and chug it down like vagina juice. He accidentally poured it all out over his face, beard and lap.

Jesus continued to Tuscon all wet, and sticky, and parched and aroused by the thought of vagina juice. He saw a sign that read, "Rest Stop, 1 Mile." "But if I don't get this heart to St. Andrew's by 10 PM," he said as he patted the cooler strapped safely into the passenger seat, "then little Stacy will die!"

He let his human urges go and raced on. Further down the road, an emergency alert came on the radio forecasting a giant horrible storm that would close all the roads to Tuscon. "Damn it Dad, you asshole! You're not gonna get this one!"

Meanwhile, in Heaven, God was at the controls of the weather machine, laughing like a villain. "Stacy's mine, boy!" He grinned and pushed the monsoon lever to full.

This battle over Stacy had started three years ago when Jesus and God made a drunken bet before finishing off the last of Moses' manischewitz. By the time God woke up the next day, Jesus was well on his way to stop the series of tragedies that God would devise. So far, God had managed to give Alex Trebek herpes, unleash a series of tornadoes in the Midwest, and killed world renowned thespian Paul Walker. But Jesus only needed one to win the bet.

The monsoon hit full blast and Jesus' car was forced off the road into a ditch. "No!" he shouted as the cooler came open and the heart flew through the windshield and landed in the mud, getting it all dirty. Jesus banged his fist on the steering wheel in frustration. It was over, it looked like he'd be walking God's dog for a week.

JESUS GETS SICK

Jesus was stuck at home, sick, one Saturday in heaven. His dad wouldn’t let him go out and play because he was very contagious and had already gotten four or five other kids in the neighborhood sick as well. So Jesus and his herpes stayed home and watched reruns of Gilligan’s Island.

Jesus started pondering the age-old question, the Skipper or Mary Anne? I mean Ginger or Mary Anne? Mary Anne had the girl next door thing, but Ginger was a slutty movie star. He decided to ask the expert… Alan Hale. He called Alan, but his mom said that he was outside riding bikes with his friends. So Jesus decided to hop on into TV land and find out for himself. He stood up, dropped his box of tissues, crouched down and jumped headfirst into his dad’s 80” flat screen TV.

He awoke later amidst paramedics and the shattered remains of the TV. Jesus stood up and shoved the paramedics away and did a magic dance and teleported himself to Gilligan’s Island.

Once there, he quickly distracted the others with promises of rescue helicopters. So while the others were desperately watching the skies, Jesus kidnapped the two hotties and took them back to his house. Needless to say, the two were so happy to be rescued, they were willing to do anything… anything!

After two days, Jesus still wasn’t sure, so he brought in an outside consultant… Bob Denver. Now Bob was a little too old and rickety to just jump on some hot pussy lickety split. So he just watched for the first 45 minutes. But then, when he did jump on, he rode it till it was sore. Jesus and the girls gave him a standing ovation, during which, he died.

So Jesus stabbed the girls to death so they could all meet up in heaven to find out who won. They caught up to Bob in line at the gate. He declared Mary Anne the winner. So they all went out to celebrate, except for Ginger, who didn’t feel very much like celebrating.

QUEST FOR THE HOTTEST CHICK IN THE UNIVERSE

Jesus was doing the laundry one-day when he found a cat’s head in the dryer. "It must have fallen out of my pocket," he said. But as he examined it further, he realized that it wasn’t his. This started him on his famous quest to find the hottest chick in the universe.

He knew just the place to start looking, Rob Schneider’s house. So he called Rob and told him he needed his help to find the hottest chick. But Rob just laughed and told Jesus that if he even looked at one of his hoes, he would tell everyone how Jesus got to be assistant manager over at the bowling alley. Jesus decided that he didn’t want people to hear about him and his plot to climb the corporate ladder with his one good hand.

His next idea was to set up a trap inside the local strip club. It was a crude trap consisting of a Japanese businessman under a box propped up with a stick. Jesus caught plenty of strippers, but they were all old and full of herpes.

So he hopped on his flying kayak and was off to planet Globoolack. Globoolack had long boasted the hottest chick in the universe, but she was paved over to make way for a strip mall parking lot. But Jesus was sure there would be an almost equally hot chick somewhere on this silly purple planet. So he started tearing the roofs off of homes until he found some hot chicks, whom he shook up until they barfed. Then he smashed up the town a little more.

Then, Jesus looked to the sky and found what he was looking for. She looked like Keeley Hazell, Lexi Belle and Flo from the Progressive commercial all at once, only way hotter. Jesus came in his pants, then he went home, had a shower and went to sleep, his task completed.