YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN

Jesus was visiting his birthplace in Bethlehem one day. There was this big ass crowd that kept following him around asking him for money and miracles and autographs.  He tried to slip away so he could go about his mission in peace.  He needed to find that gold the wise-ass gave him when he was born. On her deathbed, his mother told him that she and Joseph had hidden the gold in a secret panel in the barn.

Jesus needed that gold to start his new business venture: loan-sharking money to failed businesses that won't give up the dream. He only had one potential customer so far, but he figured, if he did a good job breaking legs and stuff then this guy would recommend Jesus to all his failed business owner buddies. Jesus found Peter, the owner of the failing store that sold Agent Cody Banks memorabilia  (shirts, hats, posters, action figures, sex toys, coffee mugs, pens, coasters, you name it), at an AA meeting. Jesus went to pick up vulnerable women, but when he heard Peter's idea, he knew he a had a sure fire money maker (the loan sharking, not the Cody Banks store).

First, he'd need that gold. And before that even, he had to ditch the squares. He called everyone together to see a big miracle. Then he stood up in front of them, stripped off his clothes, demanded they all do the same, then turned himself invisible, leaving them all standing there naked, like idiots. Then he snuck off, all invisible like, to the manger.

When Jesus got there, he found that the manger had since been torn down and replaced with a kindergarten. He was filled with rage. He tore the kindergarten apart brick by brick and child by child looking for the gold, but is wasn't there. That dirty inn keeper had stolen it 2000 years ago. So Jesus was forced to borrow money from a loan shark to start his business.

TIME OUT

Jesus was flying through space, fighting aliens, one day when, in the heart of battle, he had a real bad leg cramp and had to call a time out. The aliens were from a galaxy that had a different code regarding time outs in battle. They were forced to convene a counsel of twenty to decide the issue.

By the time the counsel had met and decided to allow the time out, Jesus had already resolved his cramp issues, eaten a sandwich, watched an episode of "Gunsmoke" on Netflix (he got amazing reception out in space on his iPad) and gone to the bathroom (without washing his hands). Now he had the problem of deciding what to do with his forty-eight hour time out.

He decided to sneak into the alien headquarters and kidnap the Alien President and inseminate the Alien First Lady with his demon seed. He turned himself invisible, took off his robe, pooped on the floor to see if it would be invisible (it was), immediately regretted pooping on the floor, left a not for his roommate, then raced off to the alien HQ.

Little did Jesus know, that the aliens saw in infrared, so they could still see him. Luckily, the aliens were small and effeminate, and Jesus was able to defeat them with Kung Fu. Once past the guards, Jesus started looking for the Presidential Suites. He found and inseminated the Alien First Lady easily enough, but then he turned the corner and was ambushed by forty-seven alien troops. They dragged Jesus before the Alien President and made him apologize. Jesus was mad, but calmed down after sneaking off with the Alien President under one arm and a nice rug under the other.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO

Jesus was learning karate from Ralph Machio, when Jackie Chan and Lance Armstrong burst in and challenged them to a hotdog-eating contest.  Jesus roared with laughter and said, “I can fit more wieners in my mouth than you guys can fit in your vaginas!”

Jackie Chan beat Jesus and Machio down with a couple of hotdogs, and Lance Armstrong ran home crying because he suddenly came to the sad realization that nobody of consequence cared about competitive cycling.  Then, Jesus zapped Chan with his disintegrater ray.  Then, after brief consideration, he zapped Machio. 

Then, Jesus asked himself, “What do I want to do now?”  So he thought about it quietly for awhile, then he jumped up and snapped his fingers and became invisible and went to watch some hot chicks in the shower and stuff.  Then he became visible and yelled, “BOO!” and the girls ran screaming from the shower. 

Little did Jesus know that one of these women would be his future wife.  But he wouldn’t have cared if he’d known, because he’d been married many times and didn’t really think of marriage as sacred or hetero or even a good idea.

So anyway, Jesus started setting up bear traps and shit so that when the girls ran out of the shower, they’d be trapped.  He decided to move to Iran and sell these women to the CIA.  But their plane crashed on the way and all but Jesus and one fat chick died, so he married her.