PLUNDERING THE PLEWELS OF PLUTO

Jesus was mining for jewels on Pluto, which was no longer subject to the interplanetary mining laws now that it had been declassified as a planet. Pluto is super dark and scary, even during the day, and Jesus was more than a little creeped out.  He was pulling out plewels left and right on a Plusday morning when he first heard the noises. It was a sort of soft scratching, like a large rodent digging for bugs to eat, or plewels to hoard.

"Who's there?" Jesus called out.

Silence.

"I have a plun!" he called out. "That's a Pluto gun!" he explained.

Jesus slowly backed up, away from the noises and tripped over his own pickaxe and fell hard on the ground. That's when a swarm of plabbits with giant teeth and claws and ball sacks and crossbows surrounded him. They grabbed Jesus and took him back to their underground kingdom for questioning, and a plavity search.

As the lead plabbit pulled on his rubber gloves, Plesus pulled out his secret pleapon, a plenade! The plabbits understood enough physics to know that Jesus could collapse their kingdom into nothing, but they were never going to let him leave with all their plewels etc. Jesus and the lead plabbit stared each other down. It was a Plexican stand-off. Jesus was about to start negotiating for some of the plewels when he accidentally dropped the plenade.

They all woke up in Pleaven, and Jesus quickly hopped on the bus to Heaven before he had to explain things to Plod.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DEITY?

Jesus had been missing for four days, and his dad was starting to worry. Usually Jesus left a note, or his exploits made the news, or cease and desist orders arrived in the mail, but not this time. After several gin and tonics, he finally got up the nerve to call the one guy who could help.

"Hello?"

"Satan?"

"God!?"

"Yes, it's God.... Hello?"

"Yes, I'm here, what... uh... what can I do for you?"

"I need your help. My baby boy's been missing since Tuesday."

Satan looked over his various monitors and saw that Jesus was in one of the devil's pleasure houses enjoying a three-way with Winston Churchill and Joan of Arc. "I haven't seen him," Satan told God.

"Well, we need to find him!"

Satan's mind was turning, trying to figure out how he could use this to his advantage. "Have you checked Earth?"

"I see all of Earth all the time. It's my curse."

"How about the other planets? I heard he has a huge record collection on Pluto."

"Well then that's where I'll go! Can you come with me? For company and moral support. It's a really long trip."

"Nah, I can't, I got diabetes."

"That's extremely unlikely."

"You're telling me! Who knew there was sugar in Pepsi? Maybe you could get Khloe Kardashian to go with you."

God agreed, and soon he and Khloe were off to Pluto, leaving Heaven and Purgatory unguarded. Satan slid down the fireman's pole in his office to the whore house below to talk to Jesus. He had to play it cool. "Hey Jesus, I'll bet you can't live on Venus for eight weeks."

"You're on!" Jesus shouted, then raced off to Venus.

Satan had it all, finally. It was all his. So he left George Takei in charge of Hell and took up the throne of Heaven and began his long, prosperous rule as Lord Satan II.