SNUGGLING WITH JESUS

Jesus was whipping up a batch of cats to attack his neighbor, Joe, who was deathly allergic to cats.  Joe was basically a good guy, but Jesus never liked him. Recently, Joe had gone too far when he’d bought a more expensive car than Jesus. 

So Jesus sent his attack cats to snuggle Joe to death.  As Jesus watched the cats bounce playfully to their victim, he realized that he was jealous of them.  He wanted to snuggle Joe to death.  So he got out his crossbow and quickly killed or maimed all of his playful kittens.  Then he morphed into a giant but cuddly cat and headed to Joe’s. 

When he got there the door was closed, and Jesus was lost without his opposable thumbs.  He’d need a plan to get in.  He decided to make Joe a cat door and install it right away.  It took a few minutes to make a hole for the door.  Then he gave up on making the door and just went in through the hole.

Joe was sleeping upstairs, but Jesus had a few things he wanted to do around Joe’s house, like use the bathroom and rummage through the medicine cabinet.  So Jesus snooped about for a bit, then he accidentally knocked over Joe’s bust of Woody Allen and it smashed on the floor, waking Joe from his slumber.

Joe ran downstairs and was horrified to find a giant cat sweeping up in the hallway.  Joe turned and ran back upstairs and Jesus gave chase.  Joe ran into the bathroom and hid in the tub, crying, shaking and mumbling.  Jesus kicked the door open and saw this pitiful sight.  His heart was changed and he wanted to cheer Joe up.  So, forgetting that Joe was deathly allergic to him, he jumped into his lap and licked him into a deep coma, and he never woke up.

So Jesus robbed Joe, assumed his identity and flew to the Caribbean.

100TH JESUS: THE BEST LAID PLANS

Jesus had been up late and was trying to get some sleep, but the neighborhood kids kept ringing his doorbell and asking him if his refrigerator was running, and shit like that. In his horrifying, sleep deprived mind, Jesus concocted a subtle revenge: He would give his refrigerator robot legs, then, when the kids came back and asked their questions, the fridge would trample them to death. Then, Jesus would go to their funerals and console their grieving mothers with his sensual love making. Then he'd raise the kids from the dead and have his fridge trample them again, then more love making and so on.

Jesus and his fridge were crouching behind the couch when the doorbell rang again.  "Coming," Jesus called as he chuckled to himself.

Jesus opened the door, and the head kid said, "Pardon me, do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

The refrigerator didn't know what to do, the kid hadn't said the right question. The fridge just stood there, and Jesus panicked and started strangling the kid with his own socks. The other kids pulled out their squirt guns and unleashed a series of streams at Jesus as he dove back behind the couch.

"Did he melt yet?" asked George, the bravest boy.

"Dammit!" Jesus screamed. "I'm not the wicked witch! Why do you bullies keep saying that?" Jesus was then shocked to see the wicked witch sitting on the other end of the living room.  He jumped, so did she. He realized he was looking in a mirror, and that the costume shop owner he'd fucked over last month had gotten her revenge.

INFESTED

Jesus was running an orange orchard down in Florida, and there was a terrible fruit fly infestation. Jesus suspected that his dad was to blame, because he was always infesting places with bugs. But why would he do something like this to Jesus, when Jesus was trying so hard to make an honest go of things?

"I can sit here and speculate about that all day, or I can plot out an overly complicated revenge," Jesus said to himself. "Or," Jesus jumped up in a flash, "I can disguise myself as a fruit fly and try to infiltrate their political ranks and break down their system from the inside!"

So Jesus turned himself into a fruit fly and headed into the orchard. The only problem was, Jesus turned himself into a Mexican fruit fly, but the fruit flies infesting his orchard were Jamaican fruit flies. Jesus had to improvise, "Hey, mon," he said to the nearest fly, "how 'bout dis wedder we havin'?...Mon?"

They were on to him! "Grab him!" yelled Franky, the leader of the tribe or what have you. Once Jesus was captured, it didn't take the fruit flies long to realize that this jerk was the owner of the orange orchard they were infesting, and also the son of the man that sent them here.

"I just want to live the peaceful life of an orange farmer!" Jesus screamed as they tortured him.

"You should have thought of that before you banged your dad's girlfriend!" Franky said.

"He's still mad about that?" Jesus asked. "That was like... two hours ago!" But Jesus knew he'd done wrong. So, he took his punishment like a man/fruit fly, then flew to heaven to bang God's girlfriend again.

THE CLAW

Jesus was playing the claw machine at his local arcade, trying to win a stuffed John the Baptist doll dressed as a fireman (the John doll, not Jesus.)  Jesus positioned the claw directly above the doll and prepared to descend by spitting on his hands and rubbing them together and stealing and eight-year-old’s prize tickets.

 He pressed the button and the claw dropped and landed perfectly on the doll.  Its claws squeezed together with all the might of a pervert grabbing an ass at a crowded concert or sporting event, someplace he knows he can get away with it because it could have been anyone, or he could say it was an accident, like he tripped or something and luckily some chick’s ass was there for him to catch himself on.

The claw began to rise, and with it the fireman doll Jesus had been coveting all month (his neighbor, Ron, got one and had been parading it around in front of Jesus so as to make him feel inferior in his doll collection area.)  His heart and breath stopped, and a bead of sweat, or possibly something grosser dripped on the floor from his balls.

But then Jesus noticed something, there was a Marilyn Monroe dressed as a tax accountant doll clinging to the John doll’s leg.  Would the weight prove too much for the claw?

No. Jesus totally got both dolls.  Take that Ron!

JESUS AND THE PIZZA DEFENSE BOT 5000

Jesus always saved his change.  At the end of the day, he’d come home and pull all of the change out of his pocket and put it in a sock.  Then, he’d sit back, relax, order a pizza and beat the pizza guy with a sock full of change until he’d just give the pizza to Jesus.

But today, things would be different.  See the pizza joint was hip to Jesus’ plan, so they built the Pizza Defense Bot 5000, or Joe, as he’d been nicknamed by the engineers who built him.  So anyway, Jesus ordered his pizza and readied his weapon for the melee.  The doorbell rang, Jesus’ fist tightened around the sock, he opened the door, WHAM! Girlscout down! 

Jesus had a flashback of Vietnam, or Franco-Prussia, or his grandmother’s funeral or something ‘cause he started jumping from rooftop to rooftop, beating down everyone he came across.

That defense bot Joe thing came rolling around the corner with a little hat on, and his Jesus-targeting lasers armed.  Jesus bashed him with the coin-loaded sock, no effect!  Joe’s lasers fired, but Jesus was in full combat mode.  He jumped to the right, and the laser blast only singed his sandal.  Then Jesus’ senses returned to him; he had full control of his faculties.  He pulled out his secret weapon, a rocket launcher. Time seemed to stop. It was a Mexican standoff, only not as filthy. They stood fifty paces apart and glared at each other for a good twenty seconds. Jesus could sense Joe’s mind weakening. He raised his eyebrow and intensified his glare. He began altering Joe’s programming with his mind. Turning him from the Pizza Defense Bot to the Jesus Defense Bot! Then the two of them teamed up and started smashing up the place, twice as good!

Jesus and his robot pal became good friends, and even went to China together, but they had some trouble with the rickshaw driver and decided to leave without tipping him.  Then, the pizza engineers found out that Joe had betrayed them, so they activated his self-destruct program.  Jesus could do nothing but watch his friend implode, and then go for revenge, rich, soupy revenge.

So Jesus got on a bus headed for Pizza Inc. HQ.  The bus was full of people who were on their way home from a soccer game, so they were all sad.  Jesus decided to sing a few songs to cheer everyone up.  While he sang, he added these backwards brainwashing messages, and had everyone on the bus go to the pizza place and start a riot to distract the guards while Jesus ran upstairs to find the president’s office.

Jesus ran right into the president’s office and grabbed that filthy mother-fucker by the throat, then put him down and filed a formal complaint.  The president apologized and gave Jesus a coupon good for one free pizza.