BEAVER BEATING

Jesus searched and searched through the mess that had once been his Las Vegas penthouse, but he couldn’t find his Jesus Robe. "How can I go out without my Jesus Robe?" he asked. "It’s all I’ve ever worn." But he couldn’t find it, so he was forced to go out in a beaver costume.

He had plans to kidnap a cheerleader for breading purposes, so he wanted to sneak around and get a feel for the layout. The local high school had coincidentally, just changed its mascot from the incredibly racist, Swede Beaters, to the proud and tolerant Beaver Beaters.

Luckily, Jesus’ beaver costume was a girl-beaver costume, so nobody questioned him as he casually walked into the girl’s locker room. There were several cheerleaders there changing into their uniforms for the big pep rally, but only one caught Jesus’ eye. She had red hair, and freckles, wide shoulders and child-bearing hips and she couldn’t have been more than fifteen. Jesus would need to be cunning in order to get away with her.

He sat on a doorknob and stared at her, thinking about stuff, when all of a sudden, she noticed him and her eyes lit up. Jesus felt a weird tension in his stomach, and his heart seemed to be beating off in his chest. The cheerleader jumped excitedly and yelled, "Look everyone, a beaver to beat!"

They all ran at him and beat him down like cheerleaders beating their beavers. But the padding of the costume protected Jesus from their weak, feminine blows. In fact, it felt rather like a massage.

Once the massage was over, Jesus grabbed Red by her pigtails and slammed her face into a locker. Then he picked up her unconscious body and ran off. But campus police were in hot pursuit; he’d need wheels.

After running a few blocks, Jesus found a guy who agreed to trade him his car for the girl. Jesus was well on his way to the movies before he remembered why he even needed the car in the first place. So he slammed on the brakes and backed up into a cowboy, which is pretty weird, I mean, what’s a cowboy doing just walking around? Where’s his horse anyway?

Right, so meanwhile, the guy who traded with Jesus had been arrested for kidnapping. So Jesus found the poor, young, distraught girl and offered her a friendly (sexy) shoulder (dick) to cry (sit) on.

AT THE MICHAEL BOLTON SHOW

Jesus was sitting at home counterfeiting condoms, when his rhythm was rudely interrupted by sexy cheerleaders who were going around door-to-door giving our free Michael Bolton tickets. "This isn’t charity," Jesus said, "you just want to get rid of these so you wont have to go see Michael Bolton yourselves!" So Jesus tied the sexy cheerleaders up with bungee cords and forced them to go to the show, naked and tied up and barfed upon.

Anyway, while he was walking around outside the show waiting to drive the girls home, he started looking into cars for treasure and stuff. He came across Michael Bolton’s car. He looked left and right, then sucked in his gut and squeezed through the small crack in the window and found out that ’84 Geo Trackers are as shitty on the inside as they are on the outside. Then he found an envelope full of pictures of Kenny G. playing his gay saxophone while Bolton blew him. So he put the pictures in his pocket, replaced Bolton’s condoms with counterfeits and headed to the stage, where he could out Bolton in front of dozens of his fans.

He found a back door and snuck in and pretended to be a hot groupie by cutting his robe short and showing some cleavage. He slowly made his way to the stage, but on the way he took a wrong turn and ended up in the lady’s room. At first the ladies screamed, but once they were all gagged and duct taped to toilets and barfed upon, they really seemed to appreciate the pictures. And then even more so when Jesus explained that they weren’t of him but of Michael Bolton.

So he moved on to the little backstage room, where he was assaulted sexually by several roadies and a guy who kinda looked like Luigi from Super Mario Bro. He made it to the stage just in time to hear the last number and then jump on stage with the pictures held high. But no one seemed to mind. One old lady was heard to say, "Something about seeing a man suck another man off is just sexy!"

Anyway, Jesus made a mental note to ban Bolton from heaven, and thus began yet another battle between Jesus and his Uncle, the Devil.