FLIP OR FLOP

Jesus had bought one hundred houses in Detroit for $5.00 a piece, and now he was neck deep in one hundred remodels. His plan was to sell all the houses for a profit of several hundred dollars, but he was beginning to think that he'd need some help.

He had a clear vision of a swingin' montage of a bunch of gay dudes designing and swatching, and a bunch of burly guys hammering and nailing and it all coming together. 'The problem was that Detroit's gay population was terrible at being gay... I mean doing gay things... like picking out color combinations, and lighting schemes and greasing up a man's butthole before blowing him,' Jesus thought to himself. The other problem was that Detroit's burly-man population was terrible at not stealing all of Jesus' tools and stuff. And importing gays and burlys from Boston would eat up all of Jesus' profit.

There was only one solution, he'd have to make the people of Detroit less awful. He decided to grant each resident one Christmas wish. He had to go through a temp agency from Heaven to make sure he had the proper man power. The six-hour phone call to the temp agency was an ordeal, but only because it was boring. Jesus powered through that and started granting wishes.

One gay wished for a blowjob, and another wished to suck a dick... two birds, one stone. One Burly guy wished for a new car stereo, then remembered he didn't have a car. Dork. Then, one guy wished for Detroit's economy to be great again. When Jesus granted that wish, his shitty houses shot up in value and the remodels were no longer necessary. Jesus got rich and the good people of Detroit lived happily ever after.

BRAKES AND BUTT LUBE

Jesus was about to fix the brakes on his mom’s car with his good buddy, Hilary Duff. They were going over the pre-operation checklist. “Car?” Jesus said. “Check,” Hilary answered. “Jack?” “Check.” “New brakes?” “Check.” “Dynamite?” “Check.” “Lube?” “Empty!” Hilary exclaimed with puzzled delight. She had no desire to work in the hot sun, and lube shopping meant they would have to go to a nice air-conditioned store somewhere.

So they jumped into her BMW and headed to the local lube shop. Jesus picked up a bottle of brake lube, then he noticed Hilary bending over, and grabbed a tube of butt lube. Maybe he was being optimistic, but he liked to be prepared, you know, mentally. Butt sex isn’t something you can just jump into without lube and mental preparation. Anyway, they wandered around the store for a while and came across a good sale on stainless steel lube applicators.

Then it was back to the brakes. Jesus started by jacking the car up and smearing lube all over it. Then it was time for a break. Jesus tossed the tube of butt lube and the applicators to Hilary and made a lewd pelvic-thrusting gesture at her and said, “Break time rocks!” She, unfortunately, didn't feel the same about break time or Jesus. So they argued about it for a while and Jesus eventually stormed off in anger.

Then he had an idea; he would tie her up and force her to have butt sex with him. “I wonder if that’s legal?” he wondered aloud. “I mean, if a chick’s got a sexy ass she shouldn't be allowed to withhold it like that.” Jesus’ reasoning was sound, so he pulled Hilary out of the car by her hair and gave her a few solid thrust (nowhere near the butt), got off and ran off ejaculating.

He dove into a bush and hid until the heat died down. Then  he fixed his mom’s car with magic and ate a hot pocket in bed watching ER reruns.