100TH JESUS: THE BEST LAID PLANS

Jesus had been up late and was trying to get some sleep, but the neighborhood kids kept ringing his doorbell and asking him if his refrigerator was running, and shit like that. In his horrifying, sleep deprived mind, Jesus concocted a subtle revenge: He would give his refrigerator robot legs, then, when the kids came back and asked their questions, the fridge would trample them to death. Then, Jesus would go to their funerals and console their grieving mothers with his sensual love making. Then he'd raise the kids from the dead and have his fridge trample them again, then more love making and so on.

Jesus and his fridge were crouching behind the couch when the doorbell rang again.  "Coming," Jesus called as he chuckled to himself.

Jesus opened the door, and the head kid said, "Pardon me, do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

The refrigerator didn't know what to do, the kid hadn't said the right question. The fridge just stood there, and Jesus panicked and started strangling the kid with his own socks. The other kids pulled out their squirt guns and unleashed a series of streams at Jesus as he dove back behind the couch.

"Did he melt yet?" asked George, the bravest boy.

"Dammit!" Jesus screamed. "I'm not the wicked witch! Why do you bullies keep saying that?" Jesus was then shocked to see the wicked witch sitting on the other end of the living room.  He jumped, so did she. He realized he was looking in a mirror, and that the costume shop owner he'd fucked over last month had gotten her revenge.

JESUS AND THE PIZZA DEFENSE BOT 5000

Jesus always saved his change.  At the end of the day, he’d come home and pull all of the change out of his pocket and put it in a sock.  Then, he’d sit back, relax, order a pizza and beat the pizza guy with a sock full of change until he’d just give the pizza to Jesus.

But today, things would be different.  See the pizza joint was hip to Jesus’ plan, so they built the Pizza Defense Bot 5000, or Joe, as he’d been nicknamed by the engineers who built him.  So anyway, Jesus ordered his pizza and readied his weapon for the melee.  The doorbell rang, Jesus’ fist tightened around the sock, he opened the door, WHAM! Girlscout down! 

Jesus had a flashback of Vietnam, or Franco-Prussia, or his grandmother’s funeral or something ‘cause he started jumping from rooftop to rooftop, beating down everyone he came across.

That defense bot Joe thing came rolling around the corner with a little hat on, and his Jesus-targeting lasers armed.  Jesus bashed him with the coin-loaded sock, no effect!  Joe’s lasers fired, but Jesus was in full combat mode.  He jumped to the right, and the laser blast only singed his sandal.  Then Jesus’ senses returned to him; he had full control of his faculties.  He pulled out his secret weapon, a rocket launcher. Time seemed to stop. It was a Mexican standoff, only not as filthy. They stood fifty paces apart and glared at each other for a good twenty seconds. Jesus could sense Joe’s mind weakening. He raised his eyebrow and intensified his glare. He began altering Joe’s programming with his mind. Turning him from the Pizza Defense Bot to the Jesus Defense Bot! Then the two of them teamed up and started smashing up the place, twice as good!

Jesus and his robot pal became good friends, and even went to China together, but they had some trouble with the rickshaw driver and decided to leave without tipping him.  Then, the pizza engineers found out that Joe had betrayed them, so they activated his self-destruct program.  Jesus could do nothing but watch his friend implode, and then go for revenge, rich, soupy revenge.

So Jesus got on a bus headed for Pizza Inc. HQ.  The bus was full of people who were on their way home from a soccer game, so they were all sad.  Jesus decided to sing a few songs to cheer everyone up.  While he sang, he added these backwards brainwashing messages, and had everyone on the bus go to the pizza place and start a riot to distract the guards while Jesus ran upstairs to find the president’s office.

Jesus ran right into the president’s office and grabbed that filthy mother-fucker by the throat, then put him down and filed a formal complaint.  The president apologized and gave Jesus a coupon good for one free pizza. 

JESUS IN THE BORDELLO GALAXY

While on a fact-finding mission in Uruguay, Jesus was asked by some philosophical Uruguayan, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Jesus sliced him in half, length wise, with a karate chop, but for some reason the question nagged at him.

So he went to a little farm and slaughtered the whole family and asked all the chickens in a big meeting. They told him that it was the chicken who came first, born as a baby, with no egg, then got busy with some dinosaur or something and created a hybrid.

"But that first chicken," Jesus said, "would have been a different species, and the modern chicken is the hybrid. So, the first chicken was born from an egg. Ha!" The chickens all burst into flame at the sheer power of Jesus’ logic.

So Jesus had a lovely dinner, then took his jetpack to the planet Bordello V. There he was greeted by a robot with a boner. The whole planet was inhabited by robots, and every robot had a boner, and every boner had a spigot which poured out sweet, delicious milk.

Wait, there were chick robots who didn’t have boners, but they were just there to make sandwiches and stuff. So Jesus wandered into a sandwich shop, but he was full from all that chicken. So he decided that this planet was poorly named and went off in search of Bordello I.

But Bordello I was inhabited by boners, and each boner had a robot that made sweet delicious milk. Here too, the women were only good for sandwich making. So Jesus destroyed the entire Bordello galaxy and went back to Earth to get a hooker.

Robot Jesus

Robot Jesus was in for his annual oil change, but this year, Mechanic Jesus, or regular Jesus… you know, Jesus, noticed a problem with Robot Jesus’ armpit modulator. The armpit modulator is the thing that loads rockets into Robot Jesus’ left arm, the rocket arm. “It’s a good thing I decided not to send you after Alan Alda,” Jesus said, “or you’d have blown yourself up, and I’d have forgotten all about you. And I’d have had to kill Alda myself. But now we can even do an upgrade, and really bust up some nuns.”

“Yes, nuns. The nuns shall pay,” replied Robot Jesus.

They spent the next eighteen hours rebuilding Robot Jesus, and laughing, and eating hotdogs covered in relish, sweet relish.

Once Robot Jesus was completed, they were off to Madre Maria Monastery in Puerto Rico on a double mission to slaughter nuns and Alan Alda, who was there recovering from his most recent bout with erectile dysfunction (nuns are good with that sort of thing.)

Anyway, they broke into the nunnery an hour before dawn and crept into every room, tied down all the nuns and set loose millions of bees. Not just regular bees, evil bees, very expensive, very deadly.

So after the nuns died, Robot Jesus crept into Alda’s room and turned on his buzz saw penis extender and proceeded to anally rape Alda while Jesus took pictures for his collection. Then suddenly Jesus said, “Wait a minute, that’s not the guy I wanted to kill. I wanted to kill Tom Selleck!”

“Oh yes, Magnum P.I. I hate that guy.”

So they pushed Alan Alda into a neat little pile on the floor, then flew off to Tom Selleck’s hideout in Malibu, or wherever.

But years of playing an unrealistic, mustachioed P.I. had left Selleck’s wits sharp as a buzz saw penis extender, so he was ready for them. When they arrived, they were greeted by an army of Robot Magnum P.I.s! The battle was epic, but it ended the only way it could, with Chuck Norris Victorious.