FATHER'S RIGHTS

Jesus was writing a letter to the editor of his local newspaper. He was appalled after reading a story about a young mother of two who had mercilessly killed a puppy with cancer. She didn't give the puppy cancer, it already had cancer, and the mother had it put down to ease it's pain.  But euthanasia is a sin! "Humans don't have the right to play God," Jesus said. "If God willed that puppy to suffer, then that asshole puppy must've done something horrible, like chew up the Pope's hat, or pee in his Pepsi or sell dog secrets to the cats."

Jesus decided to give up on writing the editor and take matters into his own hands. He didn't know the puppy, but he knew the young mother, and where she lived. He knew because he was the father of her children, and he had to send her monthly child support checks. Anyway, she had to be punished for going against God's will, and also for failing to bring the kids to Jesus' court ordered monthly visit!

The problem was the 500 yard restraining order. Jesus would need someone to go revenging for him. Vlade Divac still owed him a favor. He called Vlade and gave him the particulars, and Vlade was on the next flight over.

Jesus picked Vlade up from the airport, and Vlade made some predictable joke about his arms being tired, which caused Jesus to roll his eyes. But Vlade was too tall to fit in Jesus' Trans Am, so Jesus cut his legs off at the knees, causing Vlade to bleed out, and Jesus to get arrested for murder. Jesus didn't mind though, he'd definitely find someone in prison to kill that bitch.

THE THAILAND CHRONICLES

Jesus was wandering through the jungles of Thailand, going from village to village fighting his newest mortal enemy, cancer. He had his faithful pet jaguar, Ben, with him. Ben had the unique ability to sniff out cancer inside of people. Then Ben would tear them open and pull it out. Jesus just used his sword.

One day, Jesus and Ben came to the village of Scroo-Dik, where cancer was regarded as sacred. The local shaman, Thai-Johnny, had everybody convinced that cancer would help their crops grow. So when Jesus and Ben showed up and saved Thai-Johnny from the embarrassment of being wrong by murdering everyone, he decided to repay them by shamaning around for them for a while.

Thai-Johnny started by doing a little rain dance for them, but Jesus threw some cancer at him and told him to do a better dance... the Argentine Tango. But Thai-Johnny only knew the regular Tango. So Jesus and Thai-Johnny hopped onto Ben's back and flew to America, where Thai-Johnny could learn from dancing master Patrick Swayze.

When they got to America, Jesus remembered that Swayze was dead from cancer. They had to settle for the second best dancing master, TV's Carlton from The Fresh Prince. Carlton was fast asleep when the enthusiastic trio burst into his bedroom. Carlton woke up quickly and got started. Things were gong along nicely, until Ben got a good whiff of Carlton's wife...