SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Jesus was lying naked on a cloud in Heaven, trying to get a suntan, but it seemed like every time he got comfortable, some other cloud would float in and block the sun. He needed somebody to control these jackass clouds for him. Someone who would also not laugh at his naked body. His mental list was dwindling. Then he felt the sun on his body again, the clouds had moved. Then another cloud blocked the sun. "Damn!"

Jesus pulled his iPhone from betwixt his legs and called Demi Lovato, of Disney Channel and banging Wilmer Valderrama fame. He told her that he needed her in Heaven right away. Demi began planning her suicide. The problem with suicide is that it lands you in Hell, which Demi found out after slowly suffocating herself with an expensive belt.

Demi found the Devil and asked where she could find Jesus. Satan pulled a Blackberry from betwixt his legs and phoned Jesus. "Jesus," he began, "there's a young woman here for you.... I don't know, maybe a seven....No, she's not pregnant.... What's your name sweetheart?" Demi introduced herself to Satan, who told Jesus.

"What!?" shouted Jesus. "I told that meatball I needed her here!"

"Did you commit suicide?" Satan asked Demi. She nodded with a smile. "Do you want to come get her? Or should I send her up the back way?"

"Aw, just keep her," Jesus resigned as he hung up the phone. The clouds were mostly gone now anyway.

JESUS LOSES HIS MEMORY

             Jesus went down to Georgia with a banjo and a hobo pack. The local sheriff mistook him for a hippie and beat him with his club. And that's how Jesus got amnesia.

            He woke up in a pile of trash and started looking through his pockets for clues and bugs. He found an address for a town near Atlanta and headed off to the afore mentioned town near Atlanta.

 The address turned out to be a whore house called Big Eddie's House o' Whores. Eddie knew Jesus by the name Big Willy. He got that name in a poker game where he whipped out his measly cock and tried to use to cover a bet with Eddie. But Eddie was no fool. He insisted that Jesus throw in his balls and his prostate. Luckily, Jesus won the bet.

 Jesus asked Big Eddie, "Who am I?" "You're the fucker who took all my money!" This sudden aggression made Jesus tremble with fear and his magical voodoo powers began firing off all crazy and taking people out, left and right. Well not people actually, hookers. Big Eddie had never seen Jesus this upset, it scared him, a lot- I mean on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being scared a lot and 1 being not very scared at all, Big Eddie was a 10.

So he calmed Jesus down by tossing some plates at his head, eventually knocking Jesus unconscious. Then he took a shit and wrote a message on it in white out and slid it into Jesus' anus so that he would read it when he pooped it out later. The message said, "Eat at Phil's Diner," Jesus did, it was delicious. But he still had the problem of not knowing who he was.

So he hired a private detective. Big mistake. Dickface P.I. screwed Jesus over for $3000 and told Jesus to go to a psychic. He didn't know who he was, but he knew those fuckers were full of shit. After 10 years of frustration over his lost identity, the J man finally killed himself. Once in Heaven, Jesus remembered everything and went out for a beer.