EVERYONE LOVES A PARADE

Jesus was bored and having a hard time coming up with any fun ideas. He took a look outside and saw, much to his astonishment, a parade. There wasn't a crowd of people watching, though, it was just a bunch of floats depicting Biblical scenes. "Why wasn't I invited to be in the Bible Parade?" he wondered, "I should be grand marshal."

He dug around in his closet and found his old Abraham costume. He hadn't worn it since the third grade, and it was a bit loose on him now that he'd lost all that baby fat. He looked at himself in the mirror for a few and had a good laugh. Then he ran outside.

In his enthusiasm, Jesus tripped over a sprinkler and fell into a pile of dog shit. "Damn it Colton!" Jesus yelled. His neighbor, Colton White, was always letting his dog poop in Jesus' yard. Jesus normally didn't mind, because it kept the homeless from sleeping on his lawn, but now, covered in poop on a Sunday, he minded. Also, of course, an Abraham costume covered in dog poop instantly becomes a Moses costume.

Oh, and the parade was getting pretty far away at this point. So, Jesus pulled an old lady out of her driver's side window and tried to hop in, but the car kept moving, and Jesus couldn't catch up to that either. By now he was feeling pretty shitty (get it, because of the dog shit on his face?).

About a mile ahead of him, Jesus saw the old lady's car crash into a marching band at the back of the parade. The paraders screamed in horror and terrible pain, and Jesus casually turned around and went to poop in Colton's yard.

MASTER HUNTSMAN

Jesus was at a British pub getting all drunk with some Duke or something, Duke Wilburshire. So, Jesus kept saying he was a master huntsman, and the Duke kept saying that he was a master huntsman, but better, and challenged Jesus to a hunt.

Jesus ran out to buy a tweed jacket, knee high boots, an ascot and a pipe, but tweed had become so popular, that all the stores were out. That left Jesus with two options: one, buy a second hand coat, or two, magic. So Jesus did one of those things.

Now that he was dressed like a master huntsman, Jesus decided it was time to learn to hunt. He followed the Duke around during the warm up huntings and watched how he was tracking things and killing them. It looked simple enough, but could Jesus do it faster and or better than the Duke. Jesus realized, that he didn't even know how a huntsman competition was judged. Two weeks ago, at Barnes and Noble, he'd seen Master Huntsman Competitions for Dummies, and now he regretted not buying it.

The competition began, and Jesus magicked himself up a dog and started asking it questions. He learned a bit about hunting in packs, but not about hunting on his own. He and his dog, Bert, were sitting there thinking about how to out smart the Duke. After forty-five minutes of bad ideas, and five minutes of silence, Bert finally said, "I gotta poop." and wandered off.

Just then, the Duke came back with three dead foxes and four dead rabbits. "I win!" he declared when he saw Jesus empty handed. So Jesus picked up his gun and shot the Duke in the knee. he took the Duke's catch and his hat and went back to the pub to boast.

And Bert was never heard from again. Some say he's still in those woods pooping, and on foggy winter mornings, if you're quite, you can still smell it.

JESUS P.I.

Jesus had just opened his own detective agency, Jesus P. Christ P.I.  He’d seen all the movies, any minute now a gorgeous chick was gonna walk in, in need of his help, then he could molest her pets.  The way Jesus saw it, he didn’t even have to do any of the dirty work.  He could just trick the girl into going with him everywhere and doing everything herself while Jesus was always poised and ready to run off at any sign of trouble.

But so far, no such chick had come in.  Then, the bell above the door dinged and in walked a horrible crippled woman with a hideous smashed in face.  “Kill it!  Kill it!” shouted Jesus’ parrot.  Jesus jumped into action, but this was no ordinary old crippled lady, in fact she wasn’t crippled at all.  She was a secret agent sent from Beijing to smash on Jesus in retaliation for his involvement in the Blue Man Group.

She and Jesus engaged in hand to hand combat for a few minutes until Jesus finally threw this old woman over the balcony of his office.  Then she hit the ground with a sickening splat!

Then the bell dinged again and in walked a hot red head with big tits, a hot round ass and legs, nice ones.  “Oh Mr. Jesus,” she said, “I need your help.”

“Do go on,” Jesus heavily breathed the words at her as he slid across his desk.

“What are you doing with your lips there?” she asked with an unhealthy, perplexed look on her face.

“I can’t help it,” Jesus replied, “I quiver like a half-frozen baby when I’m nervous.”

“Oh, well here’s my problem:  someone’s trying to kill my dog!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  But you make it sound sexy.  I’ll take the case!”

So, they went back to her place, and Jesus started to disrobe, but then he saw that she was serious about her stupid dog.  “I’ll show you my evidence,” she said picking up a fresh dog dropping.  Jesus took it from her and squeezed it between his hands hoping to find some clues.  “Damn it!” she shouted.  “That was the last one.   Now I’ll have to wait for another one.  And go wash your hands, pervert.” 

Jesus apologized for ruining her last dog turd.  Then he turned and went to the bathroom to wash up and ended up making a huge mess.  Then, once he knew for sure she wasn’t going to blow him, he got up and left, molesting her dog to death on the way out.

PAULA POUNDSTONE’S PUP

Jesus had a crush on the shy girl next door.  He would always see her walking her dog and he would think, “One day… I’m gonna tie her shoelaces together so she can’t run…” He stepped out of his front door one day and there she was, letting her dog poop in his yard. Jesus wasn’t mad though, because his yard was the ugliest on the block since his gardener Chip quit to go to Yale. Anyway, she was distracted by her dog’s bowel movement and Jesus saw his chance. He sauntered over to her and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, but every time I see your grisly face it takes my breath away. Maybe I could take you to lunch today.” Which was uncommonly sweet of him.

 “Yes I’d love that.” She replied. “My name is Paula Poundstone. I got that name from smashing babies with this big rock I carry with me sometimes.”

“My name is Jesus, I got that name by chance. My parents let all the animals and wisemen and stable boys put a name in a hat and then they picked one out for me.  And the winner got to be part of my first miracle, where I covered his body with breasts and turned his blood to wine and suckled my way through puberty.”

Paula Poundstone was very smitten with Jesus and Jesus sure had a boner for her, a boner that only bologna had given him before.

They walked down to Del Taco and tied the dog up outside. They ate and laughed for hours. When they finally went outside again the dog was gone. “Who would steal a dog?!” exclaimed Paula.

“There’s only one person I know of who would do such a thing,” Jesus said, “But I’m innocent. I was with you the whole time.”

So Jesus started looking for clues so that he could find Paula’s dog and she would bang him. He found three hairs, the DNA of which matched that of Paula’s dog, probably. He also found Louie Anderson drinking what looked to be a glass of fresh-squeezed puppy juice. He hit him up about it and, sure enough, puppy juice. But the missing dog was not a puppy so they searched on.

The day grew long and the light grew thin and Paula started to cry. Jesus hated to hear her cry so much that he stuffed a diseased pigeon in her mouth and taped it shut. Then he went home to discover that it really was him who stole the dog.