JESUS AND THE LIBERTY BELL

Jesus was the grand marshal of the Chicago St. Patrick’s Day parade.  He was chosen because he knew St. Patrick and had personally given him a wedgy.  Little did the people of Chicago know that Jesus had only taken the job as part of a long and complicated plan to steal the Liberty Bell.

The plan worked like this: get everybody drunk and teleport them to Philadelphia or Pittsburgh or wherever the fuck they hide that thing, and use them to distract the guards while he climbed up on the bell and had some drunk meat-heads climb under it.  And then he’d ride it to freedom.

But the people of Philadelphia, yes it’s definitely in Philadelphia, take their bell guarding duties seriously.  They didn't fall for the people of Chicago’s distraction.  The guards fell upon the meat-heads like Rosie O’Donell on a ham sandwich that’s been slathered in mayonnaise and deep-fried in animal fat.  Jesus jumped right in and started beating the meat-heads, claiming that protecting the bell had been his plan all along.

He was given many awards for bravery, and courage and personal hygiene.  The president held a big ceremony at the White House and the Liberty Bell was flown in by helicopter and given a machine gun.

Jesus partied down at this shindig and got all drunk and put on his adult diapers.  And when it came time to have his picture taken with the bell, he threw several baby chickens and one adult chicken into the crowd, as a distraction, grabbed the bell, machine gun and all, and flew off.

THE TROUBLE WITH SEMEN

Jesus was working as the night manager at the local Holiday Inn. The last manager was an older woman who fell in love with a wealthy businessman over an impromptu trip to Acapulco. Anyway, Jesus was having problems with the cleaning staff being perverts and mostly just cleaning around the semen.

"One problem is one too many, but two problem?! That's just unfathomable!" Jesus shouted at the crew. "Jon, how many times have I told you not to leave semen on the lamp?" But Jon had cleaned up enough semen for several lifetimes, and he'd had enough.

So Jon called for a general maids' strike. Then the people at the front desk decided to strike in support of the maids. Jesus decided, if this strike was ever going to end, he'd better get to the bottom of this semen thing.

He went to his office computer and googled semen. No help. Then he decided to call The Experts; a wily group of hookers from Bakersfield, CA. The hookers reminded Jesus of Charlie's Angels, except they were all Drew Barrymore (the ugly one).

Anyway, the hookers carefully tasted every sample of semen that they could find, and came to the conclusion that semen tasted better fresh. This gave Jesus his third million-dollar idea: Complimentary hookers for making sure the jizz doesn't get everywhere. And that's where the White House got the idea for the Executive Hooker Stable, Whore House One.