JESUS IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE

Jesus was deep sea diving off the coast of the Bahamas, in search of his favorite yacht which had been lost in an eerie way in the Bermuda Triangle.  Jesus decided it was time he tackled this mystery once and for all. Unfortunately, Jesus had signed up for a tourist diving service, and Steven, the tourist boat skipper, didn't want anything to do with the Bermuda Triangle, and neither did the newlyweds on their honeymoon who were diving with Jesus. But, know it or not, they were Jesus' team now, and they had a long day ahead of them.

Jesus waited until after a long dive to reveal his hidden stash of sandwiches. His crew ate their fill and then passed out due to all the drugs in the mayo. By the time they woke up, Jesus had already sailed into the heart of the Triangle. "And now we wait," He said.

"Wait for what?" Roger asked, groggily.

"For the sea monster, or the aliens, or the Devil or whatever," Jesus answered.

The others stared at Jesus like he was crazy, but then the weather changed suddenly. Clear skies turned to storm clouds and clam waters began to churn. An odd figure approached from the port... it was Jesus' yacht, upside-down. "That's not how it works!" Jesus shouted, "You're doing it wrong!" Then, with his diving gear on, he dove into the water to confront the sea monster that stole his yacht.

Under the water, Jesus found a high-tech under-water facility. He smashed through the window and went inside. Alarms went off, and metal shutters closed to seal the breach. Jesus stormed into the control room and found his annoying little brother, Ben, at the controls. "You!" Jesus shouted. Ben just laughed.

The pair argued for a bit before Ben agreed to let Jesus play with his ship stealing machine in exchange for Jesus not "telling dad." Steven, Roger and Mary were never seen again.

OFF TO THE RACES

Jesus was all into horse racing lately. He decided to start looking into buying a horse of his own to race. He picked up the Penny Saver one day looking for cheap horses and found several interesting prospects. He decided on a stallion called Rape-Her-Softly, because it reminded him of his father.

Jesus hopped into his lavender Mustang convertible and headed to Norco, Ca, former horse semen consumption capital of the world, losing out the past several years to whatever city Justin Bieber lives in. The owner of the horse was a fat guy named Bill.  The add said the horse was selling for $4,000, but when Jesus got there, he saw the horse only had three legs.

"I'll give you $20," Jesus said.

"$3,950," Bill countered. This went on for a while until Jesus agreed to buy Rape-Her-Softly for $50 and a copy of Jurassic Park on VHS.

Now all Jesus had to do was make Rape-Her-Softly a bad-ass new bionic leg, which he did shortly thereafter. He also decided this horse needed a new name, so he chose Rape-Her-Hydraulically. Also, because of the bionic leg, the horse didn't need a jockey.

Jesus walked around the owner's box the day of his first big race trying to start up rivalries by spitting in people's mint juleps and cleavage. But this was one of those Southern sports where spitting is perfectly acceptable. Anyway, the race started, and everything was going great until Rape-Her-Hydraulically was disqualified for shooting lasers from his bionic leg. So Jesus was banned from racing, and started a new business, selling horse-meat sandwiches.