OFF TO THE RACES

Jesus was all into horse racing lately. He decided to start looking into buying a horse of his own to race. He picked up the Penny Saver one day looking for cheap horses and found several interesting prospects. He decided on a stallion called Rape-Her-Softly, because it reminded him of his father.

Jesus hopped into his lavender Mustang convertible and headed to Norco, Ca, former horse semen consumption capital of the world, losing out the past several years to whatever city Justin Bieber lives in. The owner of the horse was a fat guy named Bill.  The add said the horse was selling for $4,000, but when Jesus got there, he saw the horse only had three legs.

"I'll give you $20," Jesus said.

"$3,950," Bill countered. This went on for a while until Jesus agreed to buy Rape-Her-Softly for $50 and a copy of Jurassic Park on VHS.

Now all Jesus had to do was make Rape-Her-Softly a bad-ass new bionic leg, which he did shortly thereafter. He also decided this horse needed a new name, so he chose Rape-Her-Hydraulically. Also, because of the bionic leg, the horse didn't need a jockey.

Jesus walked around the owner's box the day of his first big race trying to start up rivalries by spitting in people's mint juleps and cleavage. But this was one of those Southern sports where spitting is perfectly acceptable. Anyway, the race started, and everything was going great until Rape-Her-Hydraulically was disqualified for shooting lasers from his bionic leg. So Jesus was banned from racing, and started a new business, selling horse-meat sandwiches.

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

Jesus wanted to rob a train, like in an old western movie, where somebody robs a train. He knew a guy at Cash 4 Gold who told him that a shipment of melted down gold was being moved by train through New Mexico in four days. He would need a gun, a back-up gun, a bandanna, some rope, a knife and the pony he'd been asking for for Christmas/his birthday since he was eight month old.

Jesus used his beard to fly to Texas, where he'd have to steal or borrow a horse, depending on his mood. When he got to Texas, he was disappointed to learn that nobody rode horses anymore except jockeys, and he was too big to be a jockey. So he decided to steal a motorcycle, the horse of the future. He found out about a Dallas based motorcycle club called, "The Jesus Lovers." They were a Christian organization of some kind or another, and Jesus figured he'd fit right in like a metaphor. He asked around and found out the Lover frequented a local church. He crept in one night while they were doing something else  I guess, and stole the Prez's bike. He left a note promising to return it along with a bar of gold.

As Jesus rode to New Mexico, Jesus wondered if it might have been easier to just get a bike in New Mexico, but you know what they say about hind sight, that it's really fucking annoying. He got to New Mexico just two hours before the train and waited. While waiting, he practiced his train robbing voice, but just couldn't get it right. He lost a lot of confidence, but in the end he got all the gold safely back to Heaven. He returned the motorcycle as promised, and only killed sixteen kittens.